#ALL THESE BITCHES GO TO COSTCO TOO

[emeraldbabygirl]

Bro those restock videos are crazy like the motivation these people have and the amount of money they make to go out and buy all these storage bins and containers and take things out of containers and put in other containers and make labels and constantly restock and clean every week and dust and polis and vacuum and everything is crazy. I vacuum the floor when it looks dirty and I forget about dusting and I do the laundry when it needs to be done. I occasionally vacuum around the toilet or wipe down the countertops but jeez. And some of the things these people have, what country do they live in? What you mean the curtains are controlled by a remote and how does your sink do that and what kind of soap dispenser is that and why do you need so much makeup and what’s with all those containers and who pre washes vegetables before you eat them? Some of it makes sense and some of it doesn’t but boy do they kinda is satisfying to watch

[spidercookie18]

I've had this idea in my head that Paul uses M&M tubes to keep his joints in! They're perfect, they start out having candy AND they're air tight! If you can make anything out of that for the love of all that lives, you gotta.

Summary: Paul is a fiend, and makes it grandpa Emerson's problem Word Count: 2.5k

Great ask! I love this one a lot, you’re gonna get a crack response, but it’s a good response. Cause I’m smoking a crack pipe full of these fruity little bitches!

So, I’ve been toying with the idea of the boys going to COSTCO; hear me out. Any TLB AU where everyone survives, means Lucy will take the boys in; no if’s and’s or buts about it. She is the best 80’s mom ever, she’s for sure adopting them. Which makes the whole David x Michael thing weird bc they would be…stepbrothers? Whatever, vampire relationships are complicated. She would also have to be feeding like 10 people. Hold on, lets actually count. It’s the boys, that’s 4 + Lucy, Sam, Michael, Grandpa E, another 4, then Star, and Laddie, which is 2 AND maybe Max, and the Frog brothers… depending on how that goes. Anyways, that’s still at LEAST 10 mouths to feed.

So, Lucy, being the mom that she is, would get a COSTCO membership to get all the things that her new, big family would need. Now, you’re probably wondering, “Ari, where the fuck are you going with this?”

WELL

Lucy would get a COSTCO card so she could get these rambunctious fuckers what they need. Max would foot the bill, and everyone would be ‘happy’ about it and shut up forever.  (FYI, Costco in the 90’s looked more like a Home Depot, which I hate).

Lucy notices, IMMEDIATELY that her new sons have some interesting snack choices to say the least.

David is waaay too into eggs, to the point where she doesn’t know if he’s even eating them, or if he’s just hiding them somewhere. Marko goes through wheels of cheese like they’re apples. Dwayne likes… pickled fish and marshmallows. And Paul… well, she’s concerned for all of them, but she’s most concerned for Paul.

He’s quickly becoming her favorite. He always helps with chores, even if he doesn’t want to.  He changes light bulbs for her, even catches and releases the bugs that get in the house for her. Sure, he’s screaming and yelling the whole time it takes him to get the damn bug outside, but it’s the thought that counts. He's a mama’s boy through and through.

Lucy started worrying for him though, the second she noticed he would go through candy so quickly.  And not just go through candy, he would go through the damn candy. Paul could eat a whole box of candy, within a few minutes. When she got trick or treat candy for one Halloween, Paul went through several hundreds of dollars’ worth of candy within a few hours. Specifically, she noticed, he would tear through the mini m&m tubes like nobodys business.

Which, if you asked Paul, he’d say it really was, “nobody’s business.”

She would buy the giant COSTCO boxes that had 24 tubes and he would just walk off with the whole box. After he’d done that three or four times, she brought it up to David.

Lucy: I’m worried that Paul is… going to make himself sick.

David: *Leaning against the kitchen counter* We’ve been worrying about that for a lot longer than you have, he’s just like that.

Lucy: No, I mean, he keeps stealing these… little… *gestures with her hands* tubes of candy and I don’t know what he’s doing with them.

David: Oh, *rubs his chin* well that would be concerning… if it wasn’t Paul.

Lucy: Can you just make sure he’s not eating all that candy, can you boys process sugar fine like that?

David: *shrugs*

Michael: *walks into the kitchen, and grabs something from the fridge*

Lucy: OH, oh, Michael, *waving her hands* tell David about the thing.

Michael: *closes the fridge* Oh, no, not this again. *To David* Is she bothering you with this? *To Lucy, pointing with the soda bottle* Are you bothering him with this?

David: *snorts* This is a real hot button issue, eh?

Lucy: I’m worried about him, is no one else worried about him?

Michael: He’s a weird guy, mom. He’s just like that.

Lucy: But-

Michael: Mom if it’s that big of a deal why don’t you ask him about it?

Lucy: I TRY. But every time I try to ask him about it, he bolts. And, *pointing at Michael and David* with all that damn candy, I might add.

David: *laughing* Yeaah, that sounds like Paul.

Michael: Don’t encourage her.

Lucy: *glares at Michael*

David: Listen Ms. E, I wouldn’t worry about it making him sick. But if it means that much to ya, I’ll talk to him about it.

Lucy: Thank you, David, *pats his back*

David: *already halfway out the room* okay byeeeeeeeeee

What lucy didn’t know, was while, yes, Paul was a fiend for sugar, he was hoarding the m&m tubes for a much more nefarious reason.

Paul was like a pack rat. Step one foot into the cave, and you’d think it was just a mangled mess of shit. But, if you looked closely, you’d notice all the little things hidden away.

Paul had been, for the last several months, eating, emptying, and refilling the plastic, airtight containers with grandpa E’s marijuana. He had been sneakily snatching the sticky green buds in the middle of the night and stashing them away for safe smoking.

Albeit, not as sneaky as he thought. Cause, on more than one occasion, grandpa E had been waiting outside in the garden with the spray hose for Paul. Whenever Paul would slosh into the cave the boys knew he got hosed again, and they’d laugh at his ass.

But, Paul, the ever persistent, learned grandpa E’s habits, and how to better sneak the weed away undetected. He’d crawl on his belly across the roof of the house with a bag slung across his shoulder (think army style, when they make them crawl through the mud; that’s Paul). He would peep his little face over the side of the roof and watch for grandpa in the garden. The first few nights, grandpa E stood outside for a few hours with the hose, waiting for the wild blond.

His persistence paid off, after a few days, grandpa E thought it was safe, and Paul snatched up his goodies. Paul thought he was being sneaky by hovering above the ground and not leaving boot prints; but the next morning, when Lucy, Sam, and Michael were having breakfast and they heard a string of old man cuss words, they knew ‘smokey the bandit’ struck again. Lucy didn’t believe for a second that sweet Paul could steal from her dad, so she chalked it up to her dad smoking too much and being old.

The next night when the boys went to visit for ‘pizza night’ grandpa E railed into Paul. He would not stop ranting and raving about how he was, “going to hog tie his ass,” and, “turn him into the ugliest taxidermyed vampire there ever was.”  Lucy gave the boys some money and sent them to get the pizza to let her dad cool down, but when grandpa E insisted he didn’t want Paul back in the house until he apologized, she told the boys to just go out for pizza.

Marko: Paul, you asshole, just apologize so we can go back.

Paul: If I apologize, then that proves I did it- which I didn’t.

Dwayne: Dude, we all know it was you.

Paul: Hey, he’s getting old, that’s 100% not my problem.

David: You know, if you strip the stalk, that kinda makes it more obvious, dumbass.

Sam: You shoulda heard him this morning,

Michael: Yea, it was pretty bad. I’ve never heard him blow up like that.

David: Really? What happened

Sam: He went crazy! He wouldn’t stop screaming!

Marko: *giggling*

Sam: It’s not funny dude, okay? He said words I’ve never even heard before!

Dwayne: Like what? ‘Dagnabbit?’

David: *snorts*

Michael: *Pulling Paul’s jacket by the sleeve* You know if he catches you, you’re dead.

Paul: I’m already dead, also, I’m so not scared of your ‘pappy’.

Michael: Hey, it was a fair warning.

After that, grandpa E went through with operation: catch that flying asshole. He brewed pots of coffee to stay up all night and traded in his hose for a shotgun. Grandpa E sat outside with a chair and his shotgun across his lap, just waiting for Paul to show.

Paul, the ever persistent, waited over a week for his prize. Lucy watched from the kitchen window, as her dad sat outside and stared at the night sky. Her, and Sam were beginning to worry about his mental state. He’d been forcing himself to stay away for hours, and whenever he did fall asleep, Paul would chuck pebbles at him to see if he’d gone to bed for good. Grandpa E would immediately wake up, startled, and one time he’d rang a shot off into the night. Lucy scolded him, saying what if he’d hit a bird, or one of the boys. And his response was, “good! Those fuckers need to learn to stop stealing my stuff!”

One night, after almost 10 nights, there was an opening.

Paul laid on his back, staring at the night sky, rolling the little grey pebble around between his fingers. He was getting sick of waiting, and if he wasn’t worried about what Lucy thought of him, he would have just gone and taken the whole damn garden already. He stared up at the stars, watching the clouds roll in.

Clouds.

He listened to the water as it began to fall softly onto the roof. The pitter-patter came slowly, then faster, then it came in a downpour.

Grandpa E: LUCY!

Lucy:

Grandpa E: LUUUCYYYY!

Lucy: What dad?

Grandpa E: Lucy! Bring me the umbrella!

Lucy: No Dad!

Grandpa E: WHAT?! But it’s a downpour!

Lucy: If you want the umbrella, you gotta come get it yourself!

*Lucy had had enough of her dad’s shenanigans and was determined to get him to come inside from the cold. She hoped this rainstorm was the wakeup call he needed. *

Grandpa E:

Grandpa E: SAM! MICHAEL!

Lucy: They’re not here dad!

Grandpa E: LUCY, YOU BRING ME THAT DAMN UMBRELLA BEFORE I CATCH MY DEATH OUT HERE!

She was done entertaining the notion that Paul, her sweet, kind, always there to help anyone, Paul, was stealing from her dad. He would have to come inside one way or another.

Grandpa E grumbled as his button-up shirt started to get soaked.

Paul turned to lay on his belly and watched his nemesis shift around, trying to determine what to do next. “Go inside, you old bastard,” Paul mumbled to himself. The rain was coming down hard now, if it wasn’t for his vampire eyes, he wouldn’t be able to see anything through the rain. Paul could stay out in the cold and wet forever if he needed to, but he knew grandpa E had to go inside, “go in,” Paul insisted.

He watched as grandpa E pulled the shotgun off his lap and scampered inside. He could hear him mumble something about an umbrella as he ran through the screen door into the kitchen.

Now was his chance!

Paul quickly flew down to the garden. He planted both feet firmly on the ground, what did it matter if his boot prints were in the ground, grandpa knew he was there, and also the rain would wash them out. Paul’s boots squished under him in the wet, burbly mud, he squatted down and grabbed the plant from the base of the stalk and ripped it out of the ground. The roots of the plant dripping down with mud and rain. He repeated his process a few more times. “Fucking old bastard,” he grumbled, as he pulled another plant up by the roots, “making me come out here in the - *grunts* FUCKING RAIN.”

He grabbed a few stalks, tucked them under the strap of his bag and flew off into the night.

Grandpa E heard the “woo-hoo” as he was reaching for the screen door. He ran outside, looking for the umbrella was a flop, it took him too long to search in the cramped closet, so he gave up and decided to return to his green patch of goodness. He scampered back to the kitchen and saw a hurried mess of hair shifting around in the garden.

Grandpa E: Look! There he is! *Pointing out the window*

Lucy: *Walking to the window* Dad, I don’t see anything?

Grandpa E: What do you mean?! He’s right there!

Lucy: *straining her eyes* Dad, it’s a downpour, I can’t see anything.

Grandpa E: *running to the screen door* I got your ass now!

But, as we all know, by the time he got out there, it was too late. Grandpa E, stared at the ground in defeat. He watched as the holes where the stalks used to be burbled and filled with mud and water. The boot prints were fading before his eyes. He knew no one would ever believe him now, and he knew Paul knew that too.

If he didn’t hate him so much by this point, he’d might have applauded him. But for now, he just fell to his knees, the mud sloshing under his pajama pants, and he wailed into the night.

Paul laughed the whole way back to the cave.

When he finally landed, he happily stomped down into the cave. He leaves of the stalks rustling, mud dripping off the stalks and the roots.

His boots squelched under his weight and the mud tracked in behind him.

The other boys and Michael watched as the cocky, rain washed out blond walked into the cave.

Marko: No fucking way.

Dwayne: Oh, Paul you didn’t

David: Atta boy!

Michael: Oooooh, I’m not here.

Paul hummed happily to himself; he ignored his brothers’ jeers as he walked to his alcove. He slung the bag off around his head set the stalks down next to his bean bag chair. He sat down on the tattered, ratty thing with an oomph. He looked at the stalks, he’d clean em and prep em for use later. Paul intended to pluck the seeds out and plant them near the cave, entirely done with being ‘smokey the bandit’.

He shifted to one side and reached a hand under the bag. He rifled around under the chair for a second before he produced what he was reaching for, an m&m tube. He patted his jacket for a lighter and popped open the blue plastic container. He wafted the open container under his nose and turned the tube upside down. A joint slid out into his open palm.

Paul plucked the twisted white paper and set it in his mouth. He flicked the lighter on and lit the end. He took a deep inhale and laid back further in his bean bag chair, still ignoring his brothers half-assed remarks.  

Victory never tasted so sweet.

[imaginespazzi]

GH Chapter 6 babyyyyy. Oooh girl, I needed this fluff! Feeling a little down in the dumps as our embryo transfer failed, and honestly this perked me up! No worries though I am remaining positive as we have a few more frozen embryos so we shall try again :) But truly reading this chapter yesterday gave me such a boost! Thank you :) REACTIONS - My only negative feedback/correction is that it is indeed, as easy for a literal child to buy alcohol in eastern Europe as it is to buy coke 😂😂😂 wild place. - The whole sequence of them in the gazebo, P bringing up the date, the angst, anticipation, butterflies brought me back to being 15. Which is a huge feat because girl, it was a while ago lol - "She does none of the above. Instead Azzi kisses Paige back." Oh thank the lord above Azzi Fudd LET YOUR LOINS LEAD YOU and chill a bit - Their hearts talking to each other. What a beautiful depiction of what it would feel like to be kissing your person again after all this time. Although I am firmly in the camp of them having had some sort of physical/sexual interaction either during Ps marriage or after her divorce teehee - “I- I broke your heart. I broke us. How could you possibly want that again. How could you possibly want me again?” AZZI does she have to spell it out in sky writing? She loves you and will always love you and will always want you. Forever. One step forward two steps back with this one eh - "Take it slow and see where it goes and maybe we’ll- maybe we’ll be even better this time.” See Paige is wise. Our dumb blonde is not so dumb when it comes to MATTERS OF THE HEART. And Vagina. - THE RULES. You been spending too much time w/ @pb524830 haha. Hopefully you don't EDGE US TO DEATH like a certain someone did for the first part of PnP. - I wanna know did they like sit down and have a formal conversation about what the rules are? Also what is within the kissing boundary lol Tongue? Little boob squeeze? Giving themselves blue-clits over here. Better buy batteries for their vibrators at Costco prob going through a couple double-As every 3 days. - But in all honestly the thought of them making out on Azzis couch after Stephie is in bed, then having to separate and have Paige go back to her house at the end of the night is very high school and precious and cute. - Ok girl you know the car seat thing was the highlight for me. You put a big smile on my face by including that I LOVED IT. And its pu-ple!!!! cute cute cute cute - “You look really happy today sweetheart,” Tim says softly. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 - Dying at the contrast of Stephie thinking the sun shines out of P's ass and she is the moral and Christ-like center of the universe while Jon and Jose are like um no this bitch is a menace you don't even know - Awwww are the 3 of them gonna sleep in a queen sized bed w/ Stephie in the middle. I can't. Lil family - “you won’t- you won’t run away again tomorrow morning will you?” make me cry again why don't you - I think hearing EVERYONE around her calling P 'Paige' has gotta switch up Stephies name for her at some point. Maybe hearing Drew call her Paigey will influence her? Overall this was such delicious fluff and perfect whisps of angst. Made my day- my week! Thank you for sharing your talent with us. Am I terrified for whats to come? YUP! But hopefully you can preserve our hearts a little bit by keeping up some tender fluff throughout 😭 <3 🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼🤱🏼

Aww bby sending you so much virtual love and hugs. I'm glad this chapter cheered you up and I'm manifesting so hard for it to work next time <3

LMAO I did actually think of this but then was like when would Paige have time to just walk around Minsk and find alcohol lol?

That whole scene is veryy vaguely inspired by my own first kiss so it was actually pretty easy to write and I just channeled my inner 15 year old (been a while for me too) into it

NOT THE LOINS LMAO I had a feeling you'd appreciate the "plot twist"

Azzi's just an overthinker BUT SHE'S WORKING ON IT! In the meantime I guess blondie has custody of their one shared braincell.

LMAO I don't think anyone will ever get to the level of edging that @pb524830 did like she's simply just the queen of sexual tension and making us suffer.

THE CAR SEAT SCENE REALLY WAS FOR YOU SO I'M SO HAPPY YOU LIKED IT

I'm so attached to Miss Buecks like I lowkey don't want to have Stephie call her anything else and I can't think of any other original nickname that only Stephie would call her.

[realcube]

are you down with entertaining my ideas? because i just came up with another one LMFAOOOOOO.

Idk if you’re american but the idea of an American SO bringing either MHA or Haikyuu (aged up ofc) boys who are from Japan to a Target but one of the Targets that are HUGE with like two levels???? i dunno.

My haikyuu version of this idea says like Tendo, Oikawa, Hinata, and Bokuto would FUCKING thrive and the MHA version says like Denki, Sero, Kiri and weirdly Todoroki would be SO into it 😭😭😭

TENDOU SATORI

♡ tbh i think they ALL would be most entertained by the food but tendou specifically would be infatuated with the large oreo selection

♡ idk if japan is anything like the uk but if it is we only have like maybe 2 or 3 oreo flavours in each supermarket

♡ but i've seen pictures from america and they have upwards of ten different oreo flavours and types in that bitch and he is just in shock

♡ feels a bit betrayed that you didn't inform him previously of the existence of MEGA stuff oreos

♡ like do you even know him at all?? do you even care??

♡ he comes to the conclusion though that you do care bc you're the one who took him to this paradise

♡ i hc that one of his favourite oreo flavours would be mississippi mud pie

♡ (idk if that was a real flavour or if it was a photoshopped image i found online but you could literally tell me that kombucha butthole is oreo flavour in the US and i'd so believe you. like any flavour besides regular and double stuff is already beyond me)

♡ and bro does NOT know what a mississippi is but he eats that shit up nomnomnonomnom

OIKAWA TORU

♡ he is very surprised by the size and is silently pressed bc why is this 'target' bigger than the entire gym hall at his school??

♡ when he goes inside he is overwhelmed by the colour and dies

♡ jk he doesn't but he is such a drama about it

♡ like i firmly believe he sees cereal selection and is one who those ppl thats like "where's the health tho? 🙄"

♡ like claiming its all sweeter and artifical colours and how an athlete like him wouldn't be caught DEAD with those chemcials in his body

♡ you point out that maybe some chemicals would've helped him get into nationals and he's even more pressed and unhinged than he was before

♡ sees the size of the cheeseball jars and claims this is a gluttonous establishment and wants to leave

♡ only thriving he is doing is in the fruit/veggies isle bc they are all gmo'd to last/grow all year round so he's with stars in his eyes like "plums??? but they're not even in season!!!!"

♡ becomes a smoothie tiktoker expeditiously

HINATA SHOYO

♡ he's kinda impressed by size of the supermarket but tbf he is quite small so most big spaces are that impressive to him

♡ literally loses his mind in the microwave / quick meal section

♡ can't comprehend how they can flip a whole pizzle inside out and you can eat inside out pizza by preparing it for under a minute

♡ like it already took him a lifetime to understand instant noodles.. he not getting this one chief

♡ literally LIVES off instant food for the next MONTH

♡ but it's fine because he buys a roomba and chasing that about will burn all the kcal

♡ omg and something i heard is that some supermarkets, especially the big massive ones like costco, have a food court?? or at least some place you can go to buy food

♡ and there's similar stuff here and in japan too i'm guessing but it's like cafes and stuff so they serve like english breakfast and stuff

♡ but from what i've seen, the costco food court sells like pizzas?? and their massive??

♡ that would actually drive hinata crazy , getting a big massive pizza like that

♡ you would need ot eat it outside because other people who are dining by the food court will actually think he's crazy for the way he's stuffing his face with big massive pizza slices

♡ you will actually need to pry that boy out of the establishment when it's time to leave

BOKUTO KOTARO

♡ not as amused by the food selection as you orginally thought he might be

♡ but omg please hide the gatorade

♡ the brightly coloured bottles with lure him in and you'll never know peace again in your life

♡ besides that he looks at it all and is like wow 😃 but the majority of his attention goes to the electronics section

♡ oh and btw i'm sorry if this is offensive but he is 100% going to hire a mobility scooter and ride it around the aisles like it's a motorbike

♡ he'll be like to you "get on, babe 😎" and life is strange style time stops and you see these two options pop up before your eyes

♡ "get kicked out of the target OR don't"

♡ we obviously know which one you choose tho haha

♡ oh and god forbid there is like a sales person trying to advertise a segway

♡ he's like "what's this 🤩" and the person explains the purpose, the price and asks if bokuto would like to try

♡ and of course he says YES

♡ but he just rides that mf segway into the sunset and never comes back LMAO

♡ "get on , (y/n) !! we're making a break for it !!!" he yells while hurdling towards the exit at 3 mph

(a/n): yess omg i saw your other one and i was writing a little smth for it but like i was prancing a bit bc idk a thing about greek mythology so i need a lil time to cook

i will always entertain ur ideas tho bc they are always so good and i literally stopped while writing smut to write this instead hahah

but this is so funny 😭😭 i'm not american but i do know what target is and ik how big they can be ! literally as someone from the uk it blows my mind and ik it would blow theirs too. more so the hq boys bc the bnha have seen a WOMAN that is taller than a two story target so i think they'd be a bit desensitised to it but defo entertained still

[the-log-ffl]

S10:W5

The year of the mish continues… what the fuck is going on? I always try to put on a positive exterior but in reality, I think I lean to the glass half empty side of life unfortunately. I’m always watching for that check engine light to come on, my entree is the one the server forgets to ring in, the leak in the office skylight trickles down and lands solely on my desk, my package is in town but delivery has been delayed. It’s always fucking something. But lately I have felt a shift in the tides. I am learning how to say fuck you to things that don’t serve me well. I’m saying fuck you to foods, foods that I love but don’t love me back, I’m saying fuck you to some people, and for the same reason. I’m seeking small victories, setting micro goals if you will. Due 10 pushups you pussy, pass on the bread fag, jump in some cold water you little bitch, smoke less you degenerate, run a mile you lazy ass, walk to the beach and leave the phone behind, tell the kids you love them and you will kill anyone who ever tries to hurt them and get the wife some god damn flowers for no reason at all. Simple. Due to this change in mental management I have begun to reap some interesting benefits. I’m down 25 pounds, I no longer have to hold my breath to put on socks, I had to buy two new pairs of jeans, I mean they’re Amazon Essentials but still, I’m over 100 push ups a day, my kids love me, did some psychedelics with my wife, got to enjoy one of the best steaks on the planet and a little road head too. I’m thinking my glass is pretty fucking half full right now. I admit it puts a big smile on my face, and brings me extreme gratitude, but as much joy as these things currently bring to me, they don’t put the sparkle in my eye or the pride in my heart like starting off the 2024 season in the LOG 5 - 0!  It really is the apex of life.

Week 6 Predictions

Looks like we have a couple of double headers this week. I don’t know why Spirit, Redfield, ODBJ and myself are matching up in back to back weeks, but it has something to do with making sure The Romancer and Petey matched up on Big Sur Food and Wine week. Nevertheless, it is what it is. So it looks like Spirit will get another crack at the king, but alas, Turds already have their costume and  go to Costco instead. 

Turds over Spirit 111-89

FREEDOM over Nugs 108-96

SORDIDUS over Gringos 98 - 88

Sluts over Piece of Shit 122 - 103

ODBJ gets the wedding day edge over Redfield 110 - 101

Week 5 Results (3-2)

Turds over Spirit  101-87  120-95

Gringos over Nugs 89-79

Raj=Shit over Discipline 99-78  95-85

Sluts over Sordidus 112-110  141-109

Beckham over Redfield 97-88

Kick back with a microdose boys, a heavy microdose.

LOG 4 life!

~mish

LOG WEEKLY DICK SIZE RECAP

Matt Maier has the BIG DICK OF THE WEEK: 141 Points

Matt Hames has the small dick of the week: 85 Points

Shawn House has THE THROBBER - 190.64 (S9:W3)

Ethan App has the STINKY DICK - 48.76 Points (S8:W10)

[wormstacheangel]

a late birthday boy fic

His birthday wasn’t a surprise to anyone he knew and loved but it was something they all decided was worth celebrating. Everything was celebrated now that peace fell upon their kingdom—Maybe not fell. Fought with blood, sweat, and tears is more like it but potatoes. Tomatoes. 

They made sure to get together for any big or small event. Dean’s birthday was one of those big events.

Growing old was never a problem for him. He never thought he would live long enough to grow old anyways so he never thought of a future and whenever he did, hellfire was always waiting for him. This time though, this time it was different. 

With Jack blessing him with great health and lower cholesterol every chance he gets—which is all the time considering they live together—Dean was starting to go gray. Never in his wildest dreams did he ever think he would be brushing his beard and see gray little hairs tangled up in there. It always pulled at his heartstrings just a little. 

Instead of seeing a 26-year-old kid with a death wish, he can look in the mirror and see a 44-year-old man with an exciting plan to go grocery shopping tomorrow at Costco. Best of all, when he looked in the mirror he didn’t see John. 

Once upon a time, he didn’t see anything else but John, and maybe a few times that's exactly who he was but now he saw only himself. He knew, now that Chuck was finally gone, that he couldn’t let grief drown him. This time he was going to grieve alongside his family and not let everything come out in a fit of rage.

It wasn’t fair for them. 

He just wished he figured that out sooner. 

“Happy birthday, Dean!” Jack barged into the room holding a stack of partially burnt pancakes and a candle on top. His pajamas were covered in pancake batter and his hair looked like he raked butter into it but he was still smiling from ear to ear. “I made chocolate chip!”

“I knew I smelt something burning.” Dean joked as he sat up in bed and took the stack of pancakes. “Do I make a wish now or should I save it for the birthday cake?”

“You can make all the wishes you want!” Jack took his phone out and was probably recording it for the family chat. “It’s your birthday!”

“Okay well, I wish-.” 

“No! You can’t say it out loud!”

Dean chuckled and then blew out the candle. “There! Secret wish number one has been made.”

Jack put the phone down and went to give Dean an awkward side hug. “I hope it comes true.”

“Me too, kid. Me too.”

The house soon started to fill up with people and decorations. 

“Any excuse to use your new grill?” Sam patted his shoulder and pulled him into a hug. “Happy birthday, Dean.”

Dean hugged back just as strongly before pulling back to look at his new cut. “Eileen is right, this was the best present ever.”

“Shut up.” Sam chuckled, running his hand awkwardly through his new short hair. “I’m gonna let it grow out again.”

“Just shave it all off next time and save us all the trouble.” Dean reached up to pat his head but Sam pushed his hand away with an embarrassed groan and roll of the eyes. “Whatever, bitch. Where’s my real gift? You said it was a huge surprise.”

“Stop using air quotes like that. And yeah Eileen has it.”

“Well bring her over!”

Sam walked away in search of his wife while Dean looked around to see his growing family having a fun time. He loved having his busy family all in one place and doing normal, not hunting things for a while. Everyone was safe and here. 

Well, almost everyone but he won’t think about that right now.

Eileen walked over, pulling Sam around with a big grin. Everyone started to gather in close and Dean raised a brow at them. “I don’t see any gift bags.”

“Let me fix that.” Sam pulled a big bow from behind him and placed it on Eileen’s stomach. 

“Ta-da!” Eileen did the spirit hands. “You’re gonna be an uncle!”

An uncle. “Me?” Dean felt his throat tighten and his vision blur as the crowd around them roared in excitement. “A baby?”

Sam nodded and Eileen reached over to pull Dean into a tight hug. Whispering to him, “It’s okay. You can be happy.”

Dean hugged her back. Kissing her hair as he let the tears fall because she was right. Fear was the first thing that took over him. He should feel happy.

“Couldn’t be any happier.”

As the day became night and people started to go their separate ways, Dean couldn’t help but think about his age again. He’s 44. How or when that happened he couldn’t tell you but he knew it was only possible because of the one person he kept wishing for. 

It was all bittersweet. Another year flew by without getting his angel back and yet he was the happiest he’s been in such a long time.

“Wish you were here.” Dean whispered out to the moon. 

“Dean!” Claire called out from the second-floor guestroom. “We’re gonna start the movie! Come on!”

Dean yelled back that he was coming and looked back at the moon one final time. 

“Hm.” He walked back inside with a sigh. “Who knows, maybe this year my wish will come true.”

He closed the backyard door and headed upstairs. Unaware of a falling star just a few miles away.

[callsign-magnolia]

Lost In Translation // Bitching At Your Girlfriend

Warning: Angst, cursing, & smut

Collaboration w/: @alltimereverie

Bradley Bradshaw as Noah

Bob Floyd as Harrison

Pretty Girl | Masterlist

It was official after that, Harrison and I were together and he loved telling anyone and everyone. The only place it wasn’t blatantly obvious was at work. But outside of work he held my hand, kissed me, and opened doors for me. Any time I met some of his friends or we met someone new he immediately introduced me as his ‘gorgeous girlfriend’ and it made me giddy like a little girl every time. We were together nearly every night, rotating out whose house we stayed at. We moved fast, but we couldn’t help it. He made me feel things I had never felt before and I didn’t want those feelings to stop. After work I had to run to the store for groceries, Harrison deciding to go with me. “Let’s just toss a pizza in the oven tonight.” He said as we walked through Costco. “Pizza does sound good.” He grabbed a frozen supreme pizza from the freezer, laying it in the buggy. It was supposed to be a simple shopping trip, but of course it was interrupted when we bumped into Katy. 

“Liz?” I turned to see her standing across the aisle with a buggy of her own. “Oh, hi Katy.” I said with a fake smile. She hasn’t spoken to me since that day at the cemetery and I was perfectly fine with that. “How are you?” She asked and I nodded. “I’m okay. How are you?” I asked, just trying to be polite. “I’m handling it. It’s hard without Noah here, and even harder when I don’t know what’s going on.” I nodded. “Got your coffee, baby.” Harrison said as he walked by, pressing a kiss to my temple before setting the large container of coffee in the buggy. “Oh, Harrison. Hi.” She waved and he flashed her a smile. “Hey, Katy. Good to see you again.” It was all polite but I could tell he didn’t mean it. “You too. So are you two…?” I nodded. “We’re together.” He grinned wildly at my words. “My gorgeous girlfriend and I have been together for five weeks now.” I giggled as Katy smiled at us. “Aw, he even keeps up with how long you guys have been together! That’s so sweet! I wish Noah would do that. He tends to forget.” I nodded, about to end the conversation when she spoke up. “Noah told me you hung up on him a few weeks ago.” I nodded. “It was just a bad time.” She shrugged. “He told me he really wanted to talk to you.” I shrugged back. “Yeah, well he had multiple opportunities to call me and he didn’t. The one time he did, it wasn’t the best time.” She gave me a smile that screamed fake. “Well he gave up one of our phone calls to talk to you and you were rude.” 

I was about to lose my temper on this bitch and I knew Harrison could tell, his fingers pressing into my back. “I’m not going to drop everything just because he calls. Believe it or not I have a life away from him, and I have other people in my life I enjoy spending my time with.” She scoffed, walking over and reaching onto the shelf behind me. “Really it seems like you found a play thing while Noah is gone and when he comes back, you’ll be all over him again. Just remember, I’m his girlfriend, not you.” Harrison watched us closely, knowing if she pushed, I would fly off the handle. “Maybe stop being a jealous bitch and you would see that I don’t want him and he doesn’t want me. You are the one who is acting paranoid and projecting it onto everyone else.” I said before I grabbed the buggy, pushing it away as I left her behind me. The rest of the shopping trip was quiet, and as we were loading the groceries into my car I looked to Harrison. “Do you worry about Noah and I?” I asked, propping my fists on my hips. He didn’t miss a beat, shaking his head as he put the last bag in the car. “Nope.” I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Why?” He just smiled at me. “You told him exactly what you were doing on the phone call. If you wanted a shot with him, you wouldn’t have mentioned me. Plus, you wouldn’t be wasting all your time with me, it’d be more of a fling.”

I took a deep breath, nodding before we got into the car. Once he backed out of the spot I grabbed his hand from the steering wheel, kissing his knuckles before resting our hands on the console. “Thank you for trusting me and believing me.” He smiled at me before turning his eyes back to the road. “Always pretty girl.” That night we went home and showered before I tossed the pizza in the oven while he poured some wine and searched for a movie. I smiled, crawling across his lap and laying down, my legs tossed over his. “Did you hear them announce that they were moving up the start of the F-19 project to next year?” He nodded, raising his brows at me. “Yep, you gonna apply?” I nodded. “Yeah. I mean, how amazing would it be to create the next generation of fighter jets?” He had a look in his eyes that I couldn;t describe, but his grin was taking up over half of his face. “You’re a shoo-in for it, Lizzy.” He said, leaning over and kissing me. “You think?” He nodded, pulling me close. “I know it.” He said before kissing my nose. 

A few more weeks went by in bliss, we’d go to work, come home, he’d hold me as he nuzzled his nose into my cheek. We were practically inseparable. "Fuck." He moaned as I was grinding on his lap. His tongue licked into my mouth, the makeout session getting heavier and heavier. His large hands held my waist and mine went into his hair. "Come on." I said, leaning back and yanking the t-shirt off him, dragging my hand across his chiseled chest. My lips found the spot under his ear, sucking on it as he pulled me closer. My phone started ringing, but I didn't care, too busy working my way down my boyfriends neck, searching for that spot that drives him wild. "It's Noah." He gasped as I licked across his clavicle. "Don't care." I whispered, working my way down his chest. I squealed as he pulled me close, forcing me to pull my lips away from his chest as he did. He leaned forward, grabbing my phone and holding it out as he sat back. 

"Answer it." I furrowed my brows in confusion. "I really don't want to." He raised a brow at me. "You've been pissed about the Katy thing for a few weeks now. Say something to him." I groaned, knowing he was right. I took the phone, attempting to stand before he pulled me back down, holding me on his lap. "Uh uh, you stay right here where I need you." I smiled at him before answering the phone. "Hello?" There was a groan on the other end. "About time you answered! I thought I wouldn't get through to you!" I rolled my eyes as Harrison planted his lips on my cheek. "Well I was a little busy." Harrison bit his lip, dropping his head to my shoulder. "Oh, you with Harrison again?" I nodded. "Yeah, you're being a massive cock block right now." I said, winking at Harrison. "Good." I rolled my eyes. "So are you gonna hang up on me like our last phone call?" I shook my head. "No cause I think we have a few things to talk about."

"Like what?" "Like you telling Katy about our last phone call." He just groaned on the other end. "Next time you wanna bitch to your girlfriend about me, maybe make sure she's not gonna stop me in the grocery store and say something." I heard a rustling on the other side, like something fell over. "What did she say?" He asked. "Oh a few things. She told me I was rude for hanging up on you because you gave up one of her phone calls to talk to me. She called Harrison a 'play thing', just someone to keep me entertained until you come home. She said that in front of Harrison by the way. She was quick to remind me that she was your girlfriend and not me. So, I called her a jealous bitch and told her to quit projecting her insecurities on everyone else."

He groaned and I could practically see him pulling on his hair. "I wish you wouldn't have called her a bitch." "Oh, so it's okay for her to corner me in the store and insult me and my boyfriend?" "What? No! Liz, it just stirs up more trouble." I knew I'd sound like a child, but I had to say it. "Yeah, well she started it and I don't appreciate her stirring up trouble in my relationship. Next time you tell her about our problems, better make sure she doesn't say shit about it to me." Harrison grinned, kissing up my neck. Immediately my body felt like it was on fire and it made it hard to concentrate on the conversation. "Liz. I'm sorry, I was just frustrated and was venting to her. I never expected her to say something about it." Fuck, his voice was soft and it made it so hard to not just forgive him. "I appreciate the apology, but you better get your girlfriend in check before I do it."

"Okay. I gotta go Liz, love you." I bit my lip, looking down at Harrison who had his lips attached to my neck. "Bye, Noah." I said before ending the call and tossing my phone across the couch. "I'm proud of you." He whispered in my ear before nipping it. I moaned, my head falling back so he had access to my throat. "You're so sexy when you stand up for yourself." He licked up my throat, causing a shiver to run up my spine. “Hm, I was standing up for you too.” He smirked against my throat, his hands pawing at my back. “Fuck, that makes you even sexier.” He said as he stood before gently placing me on my back on the couch. He reached up the back of my shirt, undoing my bra with one hand before pulling my shirt and bra off all at once. As soon as he discarded the clothing his lips attacked my breasts, licking, nipping, sucking. I was a moaning mess, arching my back just trying to get closer to him. He ground his pelvis against mine, allowing me to feel him through his jeans. “Feel what you do to me?” He muttered as he nuzzled his nose into my cheek, a moan escaping me. “Yeah.” He chuckled, capturing my lips with his as he unbuttoned my shorts, pushing them down my legs. In return I pushed his jeans down his own legs. We tossed those who knows where as we rushed out of our underwear. “Fuck. Harrison, please.” I whined as he tossed my right leg over his shoulder, grabbing my left leg and holding it out. “I got you, pretty girl. I promise.” He lined himself up, kissing me as he slipped in. “Oh.” I moaned, the stretch stinging deliciously as he slowly bottomed out. 

“Feel like fucking heaven around me.” He said as he gently gripped my neck, rolling his hips into mine. My head was hazy and all I could think about was how amazing it felt when he fucked me. “You like that, baby? Huh?” I could only nod as one hand gripped his wrist, the other scratching along the back of his shoulder. “Yes. Fuck, Harrison.” He moaned as I said his name, kissing along my neck. His hand holding my ankle let go, opting to slowly rub my clit. A high pitched moan escaped my lips as he did it, but slowly turned into a whine as he slowed down. “You look fucking ethereal under me.” He said as he slowly fucked me. “I’m not gonna last long.” I cried as he continued rubbing my clit. “Then cum, pretty girl. Cum around my cock.” I just moaned as my chest heaved, pleasure pooling in my belly. “Fuck! Fuck!” I cried as he sped up, slamming into me. “Come on, baby. That’s it, be a good girl for me.” The rope in my belly snapped. My head flew back as my toes curled. “Oh fuck!” He quickly pulled out, his release covering my belly. He rubbed my clit, dragging out my orgasm as he moaned. I had to push his hands away, my legs shaking from the over stimulation. “Yeah, definitely sexy when you stand up to someone.” He said as he buried his face in my neck, making me giggle. He laid his body weight on me, his head resting on my chest as I ran one hand up his back, the other scratching his scalp. “I think I’m in love with you.” My eyes flew open, looking down at him to see he wasn’t looking at me. “You don’t have to-” “I think I’m in love with you too.” He smiled, placing a kiss to my chest before he wrapped his arms around me, and for a minute, in our own little bubble. We were at peace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist: @wkndwlff @dhwanishah09

[rainyfestivalsweets]

6/24/23

Welllllll. On the feelings thing.

Dang.

Whelp.

I can make excuses and fuck around & eat a bunch of junk food.

Or I can remember who the fuck I am and blow everyone away.

I choose option 2.

Time to harden the fuck up and remind everyone else who the fuck I am too.

So, I went to the gym.

Forgot they were going to close at 7. 😳😒

I skipped the tanning and jumped on the stairs.

Probably legitimately the hardest I have ever gone.

Then I went to my GF's home and she fed me supper of wild rice stew.

I got 10 mins or so on her treadclimber while i was there.

Then I came home and unloaded the car with my Costco shopping. I was surprised at all the high prices, especially on veggies.

The bitch is back

[samstclair]

Javier Peña’s Klepto

Javier Pena X Reader

Anonymous Request -

"Hey hey hey Sammy Sammy Sammy! I've just finished my 5th rewatch of Narcos: Colombia and can't stop thinking about Pedro's slutty little waist in it the entire time! I was hoping to see if you could whip something up for me - maybe an enemies to lovers? Me and Javier being the enemies, then lovers? I am a self-admitted kleptomaniac, so maybe this could help me come over that hurdle in my life? You do your thing!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Play it again! NOW!"

"Again, Danny? We get it now, if we watch it again it'll be our fourth time today! I don't think so!"

"Pablo told us to watch it over and over until we are really able to immersive ourselves into the story, to BE the characters, BE in the setting, BE a part of the heists themselves," Danny stopped and turned his head aside, closing his eyes. His abrupt silence and failure to finish his sentence caused everyone in the living room to turn to him.

"Uh, hello? Danny?" Angelica snapped in his face.

"I think he fell asleep again." Adrienne said. "Go and shake him awake. I hate when that happens."

Angelica let out an annoyed groan before thrusting her foot into Danny's shoulder, quite violently, until he shot open his big blue, Miley Cyrus-esque eyes, giving Angelica the biggest and most bombastic side-eye yet.

"Oh my god, why did you kick me!?" he snapped at Angelica. Spit and particles of Glossier lipgloss flung from his BBL lips onto Angelica's red glasses, causing them to fog.

"We thought you fell asleep!" you snapped back, defending Angelica's and Adrienne's honor. "You were talking and then you just stopped!"

"I wasn't done talking!" he exclaimed, "I stopped because I wanted to leave suspense for what I was about to say next and you guys didn't give me a chance to continue! God!"

"Oh," Adrienne giggled, "then why didn't you just say so, silly?"

"Why the fuck would I say that if I'm supposed to be quiet for the suspense?" Danny asked, still spitting.

"Danny, just face it," you said, "you're not that femme-fatale enough to go silent for that long. You're just narcoleptic."

Danny turned to face you. His face was unreadable, but you could read it. He was seeing red. If there was one thing about Danny, he took suspense pretty seriously.  "And you are? Look where that landed you in Paris, bitch."

You shuddered at the memory. Paris seemed a lifetime ago. No help in remembering that!

"Fine," you said, sort of frightened from more aggressive humbling from him, "finish what you were going to say."

"I was going to say...I actually forgot what were we talking about?"

"How your ass thought we were going to watch Ocean's 11 for the fourth time!" Angelica said, cleaning her foggy glasses with her shirt, making a windshield wiper sound. "I think Pablo knows we get the whole point. After all, it is tomorrow. We should get some rest, it'll be a big day."

How you didn't know just how big of a day that big day that Angelica said was gonna be big.

Everyone rose from the living room and began to pick up all the garbage from the floor that accumulated slowly but surely after your six hours of watching the first of the Ocean's trilogy on repeat. It consisted of dried pickle chips, Elf Bars of all different flavors, Monster energy drinks, Costco Animal Crackers, laxative pills, SpongeBob ice cream wrappers, empty and half full water bottles and more that aren't too important to mention.

You and your girls (this includes Danny) lived in a high rise apartment in Medellin, Colombia. You kept forgetting the year was 1989. The year is 1989 and you're in Medellin, Colombia living with your girls. It overlooked the communes of the city - it made you feel high in the clouds like God. The apartment was bought and paid off by none other than Pablo Escobar, or as you all referred to him, "Pablo", his code name. Pablo is among the five most popular boy's names of all time. It can be any Pablo.

This free stay didn't come without a cost, however. You four girls (and Danny) worked for Pablo and consequently the entirety of the Medellin Cartel. It was pretty crazy, but nothing you girls couldn't handle.

It was you, Angelica, Adrienne and Danny. You four were known as the Five Sisters, or by Pablo's affectionate little nickname, Las Putitas. Yes, though it may be confusing to others that there were only four of you and not actually five, Pablo liked the idea because he considered himself the fifth Sister/Puta. He wouldn't actually tell you guys any of this, but word spreads fast among the Cartel.

What you four did was simple: steal. Whether it was the Dollar Store or Goodwill, or both, you four had some sticky fingers that just had a knack for snatching just about anything. And Pablo liked that. And for you all having ten fingers, that's forty fingers in total, which is quite a lot. And that doesn't even count your toes.

He first encountered you four when you were set to go on vacation to Cancun with your girls. You four had been in the Miami airport, ready for liftoff! Everything was packed and ready - the outfits, sunscreen and suntan lotion, carts (weed) stuffed in your shoes and bras but slightly leaking, and bikini regions waxed.

But all four of your spirits were rained on and dampened when you find out that your liftoff! was delayed until the next day. Shucks.

Waiting for your next flight, you four decided to kill time and wander around Miami and see what was up. You grabbed some virgin Pina coladas and Miami lifeguard hoodies before going over to the beach. You all laid on the sand feet out and perked up, enjoying that beach breeze. Angelica had sat in front of you three facing towards the sun. You three had to turn your back towards it because the glare was too bright, but Angelica's red glasses shielded her eyes.

She leaned into you three after some time of sunbathing.

"Guys, don't like, look now - but there's this really fine dude behind y'all. I think he might be Colombian. Cause I'm actually Colombian and I know, I sense it. Should I try talking to him?"

"Oh my god what does he look like? He's right behind me, isn't he?" Adrienne asked, sitting across the sand from Angelica.

"Yes, I already said he was behind you but don't look now you're going to make it obvious -"

Adrienne whipped her head around back the moment Angelica said yes. You and Danny also turned your little heads albeit not as harshly and obvious and saw a man smoking a cigarette with a mustache, yellow sunglasses and flat cap. He was dressed like a Cuban grandfather.

You had to admit, Angelica was right.

He turned and noticed you four. You faced back around.

"You guys are like, fucking morons. I told you not to look." Angelica said.

"It's okay, Big Ange!" Danny assured, tapping his toes on hers, "I'd go and talk to him if I were you. He looks lonely."

"Yeah!" Adrienne agreed, "just walk up to him and ask about his day! Easy peasy lemons have been squeezed."

"I'm too nervous, though. What if he turns out to be really weird, or like," Angelica moved her face closer, in a whisper, "a cocaine dealer."

"Are you assuming that since he's Colombian, he's a drug dealer?" you asked.

"Oh please, everyone today is! Colombian or not! It's 1989! And if you're nervous, just grab a brewski for some liquid courage!" Adrienne said.

As if a light bulb lit up above her head and red glasses, Angelica turned to her backpack and pulled out her three-day-old can of Four Loko Gold. She took a big swig before wiping her mouth and throwing the can out to sea. Apparently the can was bio degradable so you didn't mind the littering.

She walked over, feet sinking into the hot sand causing her to go slower than expected, but she finally made it to the man. You three watched them talk.

"I hope he's cool," you said.

"Of course he's cool, who smokes a cigarette with a flat cap at the beach by themselves?" Danny said.

After some time, Angelica turned back towards you three and walked back with a big big smile.

"What did he say?" you three asked excitedly in unison like a little choir.

"You guys won't believe it! He said he could get us to Cancun for free literally right now!"

"What? What are you talking about?" you three said again in your choir.

"He said he thinks we're all hot and his friends would love us, he said he's leaving to Cancun literally right now and has a private plane we could hop in!"

"Whoa, slow down." Again, in unison.

"Could you guys stop doing that the fuck is wrong with y'all?"

"Wait, hot like we're hot or hot like we're sweating dick and balls right now?" you asked. She shrugged.

Whether it was one or the other, it was too good to be true.

How you laugh at your naivety back then.

After some deliberation, you guys came to the agreement that a free flight to Cancun was better than one that wasn't free. You gathered your things and walked back over to the man, who later introduced himself as Gustavo. He explained to you three as he previously did to Angelica while you all walked down the pier to his car that he knew someone who was a pilot and was heading to your destination.

You all finally got to the landing strip after about ten minutes of driving. The plane itself was not what you imagined it to be. Instead of your usual airline, commercial plane - it was a small, janky and little private plane. Everything was very suspicious now looking back, because a bunch of men were pulling out loads of carefully wrapped packages out of it. The man who was the pilot had a giant Swastika tattooed on his arm which didn't appear to be a good sign.

"What's with those packages?" Danny inquired to Gustavo.

"Ay, nada, mamacita. No se preocupe!" he responded in his Colombian accent that sounded like he was about to cry. "Em, how do you say - como los pinguinos? Hear nothing, see nothing?"

"Oh, no. Those are the monkey emojis. What you mean to say is 'Smile and Wave boys, Smile and Wave' from Madagascar. Close though!" he corrected, with a smile on his face. "An A for trying, honestly."

You four hopped into the back of the cockpit and were off. The fun didn't last for more than fifteen minutes, as the rest of the ride was bumpy and the A/C was broken so you all sweated profusely to the point where you all were so stiff it looked as though you were doing the Mannequin challenge from Vine (that wouldn't be popular until like forty years later because we're still in 1989). Gustavo sat in front with the Swastika-tattooed pilot, talking all sorts of Spanish mumbo jumbo that you all couldn't bring yourselves to try to understand.

White dust was stuck under all the crevices of the interior that didn't look like normal dust. It looked like cocaine.

"You guys...I think this all this white dust is cocaine," you said, low in a whisper.

"No shit dumb ass look what type of plane we're in," Danny said.

You looked around. "Seems like a normal plane to me."

"Yeah I guess so." replied Danny.

You would later find out it was actually cocaine and you were in fact right. But later Pablo told you all with the same leisurely "Hear nothing, see nothing, no?" as his cousin Gustavo. He even covered his eyes and ears to demonstrate to you all. You all felt that you were being talked down to like you were children and he was something of a father figure, but you didn't find yourself complaining because it made up for your lack of one in the first place.

When you guys had finally made it to what you THOUGHT to be Cancun, you hoped off the plane into this villa out in the South American boonies.

To make a long story short you were actually up in the mountains near Medellin. And you know where Medellin is? Not Cancun.

Gustavo thought that kidnapping you all for work would be something beneficial to the cartel. Basically, no one would suspect a group of non-conspicuous girls (and Danny) to be working for Pablo. And what did Pablo want? Free Dollar Store and Goodwill merchandise. They were just too much for him to want to pay.

You met him that day and he laid out the ground rules for you after throwing some more threatening Spanish mumbo jumbo at you guys:

1. No contacting police/DEA.

2. Do what Pablo says and that's THAT.

3. Make enough money in stolen merchandise that's satisfactory to Pablo enough to where you could return back home to America.

4. No complaining! No negative Nancies or Debby downers get any job done!

5. No asking about how the cartel works or any details, you don't have to know.

6. Apply hear nothing 🙉 see nothing 🙈 say nothing 🙊 to anything that applies to rule number 5 that you happen to accidentally encounter.

And that's how it's been ever since. Living in the apartment, you all wait for Pablo's next order and you go to do your magic. He'd send his men occasionally to pick up the stolen goods and bring you all food, which were just bandeja paisas. (They were always good and never grew old so you all didn't mind it being your breakfast/lunch/dinner/dessert.)

You all had completely acclimated to the new way of life and had a system to it at this point, which made it more confusing as to why Danny was so dead-set on watching Ocean's 11.

Over the course of two months, you all had committed a total of 132 robberies, individually or as a group. Those forty+ fingers...

Though you wished to be back home, a part of you enjoyed the rush of the forced labor. You knew you were all protected by the Cartel, so if something were to happen they'd always be near. Once, Adrienne had actually gotten caught for stealing a Hello Kitty bag from Marshall's, and bailed out by Pablo for a grand total of $100,000. That's efficiency. And this is Stockholm syndrome.

It wasn't without trouble, however. The DEA and Colombian police were cracking into the entire Medellin operation little by little, being what Pablo described to you guys as "party poopers" and wanting to "rain on their parade" and "ruin the vibe". You agreed, you didn't feel there needed to be a reason for the government to feel the need to get involved. Just let a girl live, in this case, the girl was Pablo. You all didn't enjoy seeing his mustache go into a sad face.

There were specifically two DEA agents that were American assigned to the case. All you knew through word of mouth that one was a white guy and the other was Hispanic. Because of how broadly generic the descriptions were, it was very difficult for you girls to know what they'd look like if you encountered them. Pablo just told you four to just assume everyone was DEA.

And you wish you had. But you didn't.

"So, you still on Hinge?" Adrienne asked you as you all slid into your bunk beds. You all slept in the same room and across from a large window that overlooked the city. The sun was well beyond set by now.

You took out your phone to check for any new notifications. "Yeah, but no luck yet."

"Wasn't there that one guy?" Angelica asked.

"What guy?"

"That one guy, the one with the mustache. Remember? You two were talking, like a lot."

"Every single guy here has a mustache."

"He's the one with the slutty waist."

It clicked. His face suddenly appeared in your mind and it left you disappointed. You let out a heavy, tired breath. "Oh, yeah. Javier." It hurt you to even say his name. It was such a waste.

"Oh yeah. What ever happened with him?" Danny asked. "Didn't you two go on a couple dates?"

"Yeah, we did," you started to remember. The more you thought about it, the more it turned down your spirits and reminded you as to why you chose to wipe it clean from your memory and ignore it all like it was trauma. "But, nothing came out of it."

"Well what happened?" Angelica pressed.

You hesitated but then you remembered - these are your girls. You tell them literally everything.

"Everything was going great. He was really funny and nice and all around the vibes were good. We'd been going out and finally one of the dates he wanted to invite me over to his apartment. I was looking cute, Pablo let me borrow some of the clothes from one of our runs, remember the Bebe jeans? The Y2K ones? Yeah, well those. My ass was looking fucking fat," you smiled to yourself, thinking about how Pablo and Gustavo told you that when you wore them, "Anyway, we ate dinner then went back to his apartment, and he had these like, yellow sunglasses he wore all the time. I thought to be nice I should get him new ones, so I was able to talk Gustavo into letting me keep these yellow Bebe ones I snatched at Dollar Tree for him. When we got to his apartment, I saw the old ones on the table and thought I should surprise him! When he went to the bathroom I put the new ones on so he'd be, well, surprised. When he came out and saw them on me, he got all weird all of a sudden. I was like, 'look! I got you new  sunglasses that are Bebe's like my jeans!' Then I showed him my fat ass to show the Bebe emblem, and he was not feeling it at all. Those good vibes at the beginning? Yeah, they weren't there anymore. He like, ripped them off my face and told me it would be best for me to leave."

Though it was dark and you couldn't make out your friend's faces, you knew they were all confused. Just like yourself when he removed those yellow shades from your face. You felt tears well up in your eyes - it was so sad.

"What the fuck? Who cares they're just sunglasses." Adrienne said. "He really told you to get out?"

"Was he offended that you got him new sunglasses? Like, you're implying he can't buy new ones himself?" Danny asked.

"I know, that's what I thought." you said.

"Maybe his old glasses are prescriptions?" Angelica said, "maybe he was reminded of the fact he could be legally blind?"

"Well did you ask why? What happened after?" Adrienne asked.

"I did, he just said that he had work in the morning and shouldn't have brought me to his apartment in the first place. Anyway, I left after that. It just killed the mood, I really thought we were gonna like hook up or something. He even got pale when he walked me out."

"What an asshole. Who cares? There's like so many other people who would appreciate new sunglasses from you and wouldn't want you to leave." Danny said. "Like Gustavo."

You all giggled at the mention and went to sleep soon after...

The big day was finally here. And for time's sake, let's literally just skip to when everything became BIG.

You four had driven to the location - another Goodwill. This was your fifth this week, there had already been a bulletin put out among all Goodwill employees about missing items across every one throughout the city. It had been a hot topic among the staff, but you four didn't know and frankly didn't care. Pablo was behind your back at all times. And the industry was crumbling.

You all walked in casually, careful not to bring any attention all to yourselves. And why would any of you? You're just a group of girlies (and Danny) who just want to do some shopping fun! Women be shopping!

"Okay guys, remember, Ocean's team only got what they needed, that's it," Danny said, "so don't go overboard. Do you guys have your bags?"

You all nodded, tote bags glued to your side.

"Okay, great! I'm like the George Clooney of this little team we got going on here," Danny said, biting his tongue and doing that white mom expression, absolutely eating up his new title.

"Um, who said that you were?" Adrienne asked, brows arched in confusion.

"I just did."

"That's not fair. We should all be able to choose who we want to be!" she argued.

"Well you snooze you loose! I don't make the rules, but the Daddy Clooney in me does, therefore we must get started!" he roses his arm with his index finger pointed upwards, "Girls, to your stations! We'll meet back in ten!"

You weren't sure why Danny decided to yell this at the entrance of the store for everyone to turn their heads and see. It didn't seem that George Clooney of him to announce the heist to the world. But, Danny did share the same name as George's character in the movie, so he must have had a reason? You weren't sure where the correlation in that was.

You all dispersed like little ants, all having their own role in the mission. Before entering, you reviewed the list Pablo wrote for you to find and snatch:

1. Juicy Couture bag

2. Low rise Y2K jeans

3. P.E. shirt of the local school

4. Y2K Jewelry, (playboy bunny themed preferably)

5. Twilight DVDs (I only have Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 and Eclipse, that's embarrassing for me as a Twilight fan. Change that.)

6. Hello Kitty toys (check toy section, push the kids out of the way if you have to, or steal from them themselves idgaf tbh)

7. Borat DVD

8. Ed Hardy anything tbh

9. Cute trinkets!

10. Lastly, anything that reminds you of me <3

The list was extensive and specific, but nothing you all couldn't handle. This wasn't your first rodeo.

But your last?

Maybe...

You went straight for the clothing rack, trying to find the wanted items. You looked around and saw your fellow girls all seemingly in their own worlds. You chuckled to yourself. They weren't ordinary girls. No one here knew or had a clue what you were all up to.

You kept looking through, pushing all the clothes to the right quickly like a machine and scanning the designs and graphics of the t-shirts to see if they reached the requirements. You felt that undiagnosed carpal tunnel syndrome flow through your veins and bones - it only fueled you. Pain was for the weak. Pablo told you that <3

"What do you have so far?" Angelica asked, inconspicuously standing aside you and going through the clothes as well.

"Not much luck here so far." you kept rummaging through, and found one shirt that stuck out to you - sending actual shivers down your spine. It was black and in funky letters spelled "Make the Rich Pay Tax".

"Oh my god, wasn't that the same shirt one of your old boyfriends had? What was his name? Hussain?" Angelica asked, oblivious to its dense and deep lore.

You quickly pushed it aside onto the next. "No, I don't know what you're talking about," you moved on quickly, "what about you? Have you found anything?"

"Check this out," she whispered to you as she shimmied her tote bag off her shoulder and revealing to you its contents.

"Snowglobes?"

"Yes bro they're stacked! You think Pablo will like them for the trinkets category?"

The globes clashed together softly as she shimmied it bag onto her shoulder.

"I guess, but what's useful about a snow globe?"

"They're trinkets. Trinkets aren't supposed to be useful at all, that's the point. They're just pretty clutter." Angelica explained. "Plus, he can't leave the country, you know, extradition and all - so it'll give him a unique perspective on the places he'll never get to visit. He'll be able to imagine them with glitter sprinkling all over!"

About fifteen minutes had passed. You were able to find several items of clothing you thought Pablo would like, all stacked on your arm. It was so heavy you felt it get sore, but you couldn't bear to put any of it down.

You began to felt that familiar disassociation kick in, however. Your head felt light and that tunnel vision you entered with had died out, you were on auto pilot. Crazy shit could go down in front of you and you wouldn't bat an eye. Nothing was in focus. Your head began to bang with heat and you felt your tummy rumble.

Mama needs to eat, you thought. Mama needs to eat soon.

You cradled your stomach in hoping of soothing it to overcome the hunger. It rumbled and rumbled, soon you realized it wasn't just hunger - you needed to shit. And you needed to shit now.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! you cursed yourself. I haven't even had laxxies????!!!

You looked around trying to find the nearest Sister of the group to lend all your items to and you finally spotted one. Danny was in the toy section to the far end, so you made a beeline towards him, dodging all the people and their pesty children.

"Danny. Danny." you called harshly.

He turned to see you, with a pile of toy dolls in his arms. His curious faced dropped.

"I'm not supposed to know you, remember? You really didn't pay attention during the movie," he said, "you might as well blow my cover entirely."

"Danny shut the fuck up you're so annoying who gives a fuck listen I need you to hold all this shit I need to go to the bathroom bad."

"Hold all...that?" he gulped, wincing at your subtly shaking arm. "That's a lot of stuff."

"Yes that's what I just fucking said. Hurry up it's coming out!"

"Not with that tone." he waved his finger at you in a 'no no'. "What's the magic word -"

Without thought, you launched all the clothes at him so hard it knocked his back against the shelf of toys, sending them crashing down. He tumbled down, draped in all the clothing. He let out a yelp as the air was knocked clean out from him. The crashing sound rattled throughout the entire store, sending ripples of its sound waves out to deafen every patron's ear canal.

By the time Danny had fallen, you were already towards the bathroom door, which was fortunately only a few steps away. You gripped your butt from the behind in an effort to keep everything together. A teenager had been in your way to the bathroom ahead of you, and as if you had just been given that familiar bump of Pablo's dusty dust dust, you stepped on the gas of your adrenaline and caught up to him.

"Get the fuck out the way!" you yelled, pushing him from aside like a footballer who had that football for that touchdown. He fell flat onto the ground too like Danny. You didn't feel bad. All the nerve endings of your asshole slowly opened wider as more seconds passed, that shit literally creeping out ready to make its own ripples into the toilet water like those sound waves.

Fuck Dunkin' Donuts coffee, you thought. Fuck that Dunkin' Donuts coffee! Might as well be laxxies!

Your patas were slamming on that floor.

Splat! Splat! Splat!

But you made it.

The moment your bare ass hit that toilet seat, it was game over. It was the same effect as an oil rig exploding except in reverse.

"Oh thank god," you said to yourself as it burned through. "Thank god the almighty."

After about fifteen minutes, you exited the bathroom a new person. You had spent the most of those fifteen minutes wiping. But it didn't matter, what happened in that Goodwill bathroom would STAY in that Goodwill bathroom. You were a new girl. A new Sister. A bright smile was plastered on your face that resembled some creepy anime character.

Danny was still in the toy section, a little bruised and cut up but nonetheless alright. He had all your clothes in one arm, the dolls in another. The floor was littered with all sorts of the colorful toys, and the shelf had been broken with pieces of metal shards all over.

"Hey Danny! Thanks for holding my stuff!"

He turned and glared at you. "You're a real fucking whore for that. Here." He gave your items back and you took them gladly.

You noticed he had accidentally given you one of the dolls, it was a beaten and dirty American girl doll. You thought it might've been Kit Kitteredge. There was something oddly human about it, oddly uncanny valley about it. You didn't like the way it made you feel. It reminded you of a furby...

When you looked up to Danny to give it back and get it away from your vicinity, he'd been gone. Disappeared. Disintegrated. He was literally no where in the store.

That's creepy...where did he go? you thought. And why did he give me this doll? Pablo never asked for a doll...

"Uh, Y/N, you might wanna come check this out." Adrienne said, suddenly at your right.

You turned to her. "What? Do you know where Danny went?"

Adrienne gulped, her eyebrows furrowed in worry. You didn't understand what she looked worried about. She didn't even appear this worried when she was in jail for the Hello Kitty bag.

"What's with the long face?" You asked, still living off the euphoria from the mess you left in the bathroom at the expense of your own personal relief, "he's right behind me, isn't he?"

"Y/N," Adrienne turned straight ahead of you both. You didn't realize, but she had her arms up in the air the entire time. You looked forward.

Ain't. No. Fucking. Way.

Your group was all suddenly surrounded. You stood by one another, back to back - targeted. Random ass fellow Goodwill shoppers circled around you with AK's and pistols pointed directly at you. They were not too happy. You all didn't realize but all these regular patrons were just the police and DEA in disguise. It was deathly quiet.

You looked them up and down - at one of their feet they had Danny pinned to the ground with their foot. His limbs were spread out like a cockroach that got stepped on.

"Let them through! Stand aside!" you all heard one of them call. They all then divided like Moses parting the Red Sea, letting two tall (and fine as fuck) men walk through. It was a white guy and a Hispanic guy. They were also not too happy. They had their own pistols pointed to your direction, with bullet proof vests fitted on labeled 'DEA'.

And there he was - Javier. Your hinge date. You felt that your shit circulating through your intestines once again, ready for round 2 in that bathroom. It couldn't be, no - it can't. Well it is. Uh oh this is not good. What's a girl to do right now?

"Javier?" you mumbled out. It all that was you were able to even mutter since you were so flabbergasted. He didn't seem as shocked as you would think, it was as if he knew about your true identity and intentions this entire time...

The white guy who also had a mustache looked over from you to Javier, confused about you knowing his name. He leaned in a whisper but you were able to hear because of your super sonic hearing -

"She one of your little informants, too?"

Javier shook his head and was back to you. "You're all under arrest for -"

Before he was able to finish, Angelica attempted to make her escape. She started to run so fast in one spot like a cartoon character, the friction creating a grey dust cloud from under her before bolting through the police and agents, holding the tote bag of snow globes to her chest like a mother running with her child away from danger.

"Stop her!" Javier ordered, in somewhat shock that everyone just opted to watch her run instead of trying to catch her.

One of the men ran behind her and launched himself at her, tackling to the ground like some regular football shenanigans like from earlier. She fell hard to the floor, a hard glass shatter sounding as she landed. The snow globes had bursted and spilled their glittery water all over the floor.

"Angelica!" you all yelled.

The officer that chased after her was disgusted as he was drenched in the glittery substance.

"Fuck is all that glittery water?!" the white guy yelled.

"Um, uh," Angelica's mind was racing behind those red glasses for any possible answer. You could tell she was in shock about the destruction of the globes. "My water broke?!"

"Why is your water all sparkly?" Javier asked, more confused than concerned.

"She was pregnant with Edward! From Twilight! Please she's just a young girl trying to make her way through this dog-eat-dog world!" Danny cried from the ground, the foot cutting some of his speech capacity short.

"The fuck is Twilight?" the white guy asked Javier.

"I don't know. But we better get this group to the station for questioning, soon. Let's go," Javier said, starting towards the entrance with his hands on his waist, "good job team!"

You gripped that toy baby harder. But it wasn't for any longer as they confiscated all your incriminating tote bags.

Some hours later, you had been in a small, gray interrogation room, with a black glass facing you. You were handcuffed to the table and shit was kinda tight. You felt your circulation slowly getting cut off. It was not a good, fun or fresh feeling. It just hurt. And it didn't help your carpal tunnel syndrome.

You hadn't seen your girls since the sting operation. A part of you wished that Pablo was here to help bail you out, but chances are he hadn't found out yet. Word sometimes doesn't travel fast in the Cartel.

Your disassociation was through the roof, higher than it ever was before. You might has well been dropped in the middle of the Saharan desert with no food or water - you felt all your sense of reality slip away as time ticked and ticked on. You were slumped forward, bare face on the cold table. These bare walls gave you nothing to hyper fixate on.

What's a girl to do....I've been caught, you thought to yourself.

It seemed your string of luck had finally run out.

The door swung open, walking in the white and Hispanic guy (Javier). They shut the door behind them, and the sound of it sprung you up like you just took a bump of Pablo's pixie dust.

You reminded yourself - you couldn't show them that you were weak. But, let's be real - a girl was tired. How long could you keep the facade? But no, they can't - they need to think you're resilient! Like some random person said, fake it 'til you make it girl!

"Y/F/N Y/L/N, right?" the white guy asked. They took a seat in front of you, manspreading to the max. Buzzfeed would be livid.

I can't answer them without a lawyer, you thought.

The white guy stared at you with some dead tired blue eyes for an answer. Javier lit a cigarette.

You looked at him with dead eyes back. You thought you looked intimidating, but in reality you looked shell-shocked like a war veteran.

He looked to Javier.

Javier looked to you. He was also waiting.

"Okay, anyway -" Javier started.

"That's your name, right?" the white guy asked.

You took a moment to scan your vibe - is this too serious you can't joke or is this all just a test? Either way, you needed to outsmart these narcs. And quick.

"What's your name?" you asked sneering, biting your tongue to yourself in your white mom self, knowing you ate.

"Agent Murphy."

You didn't know how to expand after the question. "Alright, sweet."

"Why can't you answer the question?"

"I choose NOT to incriminate myself. Don't you know about Miranda rights? Mr. Lin Manuel wasn't playing around," you retorted.

"There's no such thing as Miranda rights in Colombia," Javier said lowly, somewhat embarrassingly. Murphy gave him an annoyed look.

"Whatever, c'est la fucking vie. I don't have to tell you guys anything," you shot back, crossing your arms as best you could since you were still handcuffed and looking to the bare wall beside you, away from them. "Like, no taxation without representation, honestly." you muttered, not as loud since you weren't confident if that applied to Colombian law or to the situation in general. I should really pick my battles, you thought.

"Look, you can make this easier on yourself and just talk. We don't want you," Javier said, "we want Escobar."

"See, this is the problem with you guys. You don't want to see a woman in STEM succeed, like me, because of others that are caring and giving, like Pablo," you covered your mouth - you'd just revealed the codename for Pablo to the DEA.

Fuck, you thought.

"Whatever," you rushed, trying to move on from the slip up, hoping they didn't catch on because they're boys and they're naturally slow, "anyway, I can't give into your demands. I'm no rat."

"Pablo has you captive. We can help you and your friends, if you help us." pleaded Javier. Murphy had his arms crossed and seemed to be getting impatient.

"Your friends already talked. They're all rats. It's just you left." Murphy spat.

"They wouldn't rat." you said.

"They did," Murphy sat up from his chair and got in closer, intimidatingly. "Your Danny friend spilled everything. You all work for the narcos."

"The 'narcos'?" you asked, pretending to play stupid.

"Yes, the narcos."

"Danny is no narco."

"Danny is a narco. He works for them, just like you."

"The only narco Danny is is narcoleptic," you said, raising your thin ass eyebrows, chewing your mouth as if you had gum in it, which you didn't. "Look, why don't we end this war we have going on, right here and right now? I can be the mediator. Let's end this once and for all."

"You're confident enough to speak on behalf of the entire Medellin cartel?"

"I've never felt more confident in my life," you smiled. You were lying.

"How do you suppose we do that, then?" Murphy asked, intrigued. You had him.

"Well, maybe we could start with some Co-Exist bumper stickers? I have some in my tote bag that's sitting pretty in the evidence room. Maybe we can all start by slapping them on our cars? It could probably end all conflicts, actually."

"Really?" Murphy scoffed, making a snarky laugh. "You really think that could solve all conflicts? What about Israel-Palestine? You think that could solve it?"

"Honestly, yeah. Maybe," you answered. You had no idea what that was, but it sounded important. "I'd just have to get a couple more stickers."

Murphy slammed his big hand on the table. "Control your informant, Javi!" He was not happy. He had snapped.

Got him there, you smiled to yourself.

"She's not my informant. Look, Murphy, let me handle this. Okay?"

"You want me to leave?"

He leaned in closer to his BFF's ear to whisper. But since you have super sonic hearing you heard him.

"...just go on back, leave it to me. She's kind of a, uh, a bimbo."

You smiled to yourself at the comment. You did love being called a bimbo. It was who you are. There was something so powerful about being a lil ignorant. "Oh, you're too sweet, Javi," you said. They both shot you a confused look.

Murphy then rose and stepped out, leaving now just you two. He shut the door behind you.

"And then there were two," you said, squinting your eyes and trying to give yourself that femme fatale persona. "So Javi, this is what you've been up to since our date? Since you kicked me out of your house?"

"I've actually always been doing this."

"Oh, so you've always known about me, is that it? Are you some sort of a stalker? And what have you been telling that Debby-downer, negative-Nancy friend of yours? That I'm an 'informant'?"

"I never told him about us, or anyone. When you gave away that you worked for Pablo, I knew I couldn't have a relationship with you. That's why I kicked you out. I don't sleep with criminals."

"I'm not a criminal. And what I do isn't even that bad. I literally just take from capitalistic greedy organizations and businesses and give it back to the public - what's rightfully theirs. Like Robin Hood shit. And plus, how did you know I worked for Pab -" you caught yourself, "I mean, for Escobar?"

"Only people like Escobar have access to Bebe jeans and sunglasses." he said, not giving you any eye contact as he let out a puff from his cigarette and put it out on the table, unbothered.

It then hit you - those stupid pee-colored aviator glasses had hung on his buttoned shirt revealing his lack of chest hair. That stupid gift you went out of your way to get him for, those stupid jeans that made your ass fat - they had done more than compliment your outfit - they were the catalyst the entire time.

"Honestly, that's kind of a relief. I thought you didn't think I was hot."

"No, you are, but being a criminal isn't. And what's uglier is being one of Escobar's criminals. It's actually an eyesore." he rose up and sat on the table beside you. "So why don't you say what happened, then you and your girls can go to Cancun," he leaned in to whisper like he did earlier to his BFF/boyfriend Murphy, "And you won't be an eyesore to me anymore."

You felt yourself get hot down there. If your genital region was a diesel powered car, shit would be hauling actual ass. But no, you couldn't give in. You had to stay true to what Pablo would do.

What would Pablo do? you thought to yourself, looking down to your W.W.P.D. anklet. It was pink, Pablo's favorite color. What would Pablo say?

"Or what, Mr. Agent Javier Pena?" you whispered back. You weren't sure if that's what Pablo would've said, but there was no going back now.

He leaned in closer, an inch away from your mouth.

"Come clean and admit to all those grand larcenies your naughty little big Bebe butt did," he brushed his fingers through your hair, tucking it behind your ear. "And your ties to Escobar and his cocaine operation."

"The only cocaine operation I know about is the one with the bear," you whispered back, eyes fluttering, "have you seen the movie?"

"No, I don't watch movies," he whispered back. You felt his breathe on your cheek, it tickled it. You felt your rosacea arise. "But I do watch Escobar's every move. That's like a movie to me."

Mama can't hold back any longer. you thought. Mama's getting hot.

You didn't realize, but the handcuffs weren't as tight as you thought, and you were able to slip  free from their restraint.

You jump up to hug him, he hugs tightly back, he then throws you on the table and you feel his member pressed against your leg. He begins kissing you, his tongue licking your lips for entrance. You let him in. Your tongues fight for dominance but you let him win. He eventually starts going down on you, taking your Bebe booty jeans and panties labeled 'Thursday' you got as a personal gift from Gustavo, (it was actually a Monday, but you liked breaking rules), off, and starts kissing your labia.

"This...this is a labia" he says.

You lift your leg as he begins to eat you out, his wet breath on your cooter. He holds your foot up and raises himself, ready to press his member into your entrance. Your eyes are closed, ready to take the boy from the United States of America in. This is it. No DEA, no grand larceny charges, no creepy baby dolls, nothing - just you and Javier.

You heard the agents on the other side of the door bang and bang, but Javier had actually locked the door. It made you more hot thinking this is what he had planned the entire time. He was always one step ahead. Maybe he wasn't so different from Pablo after all.

Hope you enjoyed!

xoxo,

~Sam St. Clair

P.S. ~ Just a friendly reminder, DO NOT refer to me as anything else if it's not the following: Sam, Mr. St. Clair, Sam St. Clair, Clair, or St.. Hearing 'Sammy' makes me feel very violent. Next time, I won't accept any request that starts with it, just a friendly warning! :)

[calypso-finale]

Sixty Eight. Part 2

Leaning against the side as I left the bathroom, squinting my eyes at Robyn. I know she isn’t calling Rylee at this time of night, it’s like one in the morning over there, why would she do that. I am so confused by this woman because why, she is mad over the marriage comment. I wasn’t even mad because I know how slow Oakley is, he isn’t going to make a movement until he wants too, she could be thirty by the time he does, maybe, you never know really. Love can make you do things, I was going to tell her to put the phone down, but she picked up “hi mom, is everything ok?” she has the phone on speaker, she is so wrong because you can tell she was asleep in her voice “yeah, I was checking on you. Were you asleep?” she asked, Robyn turned to me and saw me just glaring at her “I got out of bed to put Aziel in his own bed, and I just got back in bed to go back to sleep but then you were ringing so I picked up, is everything ok? People only call at night if something is wrong so that is why I picked up” she is a bitch at times “what is it?” they are asleep, what is she playing at “it’s ok, go back to sleep just my mom” Rylee said to Oakley “check if you’re ok, why is he back in your apartment Rylee? Did he earn that” shaking my head “put the phone down Robyn, stop acting stupid” I said walking towards her “because it’s better then he stays in a hotel, it’s stupid. We are together anyways mom” she said “right and this marriage business, what is that” she is a psycho “oh” she laughed “mom that is nothing, the only thing he going to do is just suffocate me while I sleep, it’s just a conversation that everyone knows about now, it’s stupid. I will be unmarried don’t worry” I am pissed with her “well keep it that way and speak to me when and if that happens, he speaks to us first” the line went silent “ok” she just said, “I will let you sleep, goodnight” she put the phone down, Robyn is crazy “you cannot dictate people, you cannot dictate when or how they get married you are fucking crazy!” I shouted “I needed to hear it from her that she fucking won’t do it which further proves he is useless, he took my daughter! My classy daughter out to Costco and laughed like a joke of it, I am sending him a message and saying to him to fix up” snatching her phone “you do not get involved, it’s their relationship so I fucking mean it” I spat.

Robyn is so invested in Rylee life it makes me angry “you know what I am going to say it but what you said at the restaurant was rude and nasty because I have been in that position with you and even more, so our kids know that, they know I had not much and you had it all, it made me feel like shit. I fucked up so much with you, I made you feel like shit so I can make myself feel better. Going to Barbados on your dime and your family looking at me like a piece of shit because you was making all the money, I hated it. My three daughters saw that, they grew up in that environment and saw what I went through, and you know what, I applaud them girls to not make another man feel like that, but you! I want you to leave them alone, if he wants to take her Costco then let him!” I barked “it’s for Rylee to deal with, it’s for her to say no I don’t like it. Not mother texting him and saying it, you stop it. I am so serious, I want you to apologise for calling her at that time, I am so mad with you Robyn. Why would you do that? If she wants to marry him then she can! Happiness isn’t fucking money Robyn. You really hurt me today, you sounded just like that mother of yours, talking about I tolerate him. They know you don’t like it so they tell me, not you. I tell you, it’s sad they can’t speak to you because you’re that much of a bitch, the quicker you accept that boy, the better it will be” Robyn mean mugged me, she can do it all she wants “so you see yourself in him and this is where the soft spot comes from, he slept with your daughter under age too” shaking my head walking off, she wants me to be her “what do you want me to do? Beat his ass?” I asked “just be realistic, I don’t think they love each other, and we can navigate them away. After hearing that I don’t want them together. He was interested in her at a young age, and she stook to it, it makes me sad that she is a baby mother, she is making home and being a baby mother, that’s it” I give up with her.

I don’t even want to argue with Robyn so I will try and speak to her nicely “so now because of this coming out, you feel this way?” she nodded her head “that is fine, you’re ok to feel that way Robyn but all I am saying is that if you lose her then it’s on you, I am not going to get involved. I think you’re going to make a mistake. Your tolerance is going to run low and explode and it’s going to hurt a lot of people. You need to vent and let it out” I am being calm, I don’t want us to argue “he slept with my daughter at seventeen, then he got her pregnant barely hitting adult age! How you think I feel! I feel like shit! She wasn’t supposed to be this Chris! A mother in London, I don’t like it. It hurts me, she was supposed to be someone so much better, and I see her just chasing Aziel, missing out on her youth, she could have lived life and done what she wanted. I hate it” nodding my head “I am not upset with Aziel, it’s not his fault and I love him a lot but her being a mother was not on my list of her to do, maybe drugs, partying, drinking. She is embodying him, watching her at parties, she doesn’t drink, she is becoming him, and he is boring, he isn’t a fucking good person. Imagine Aziel finding out his dad preyed on her” I sighed out heavily “your mother really getting at you, look. Your disappointment for Rylee seems through, you wanted to live through Rylee clearly, you wanted her to live the life you couldn’t because you was working for your family, but Robyn. She isn’t you; I am so serious. She is not you, she looks like you, but she isn’t you, if we being real she is a better you and how you’re acting is disgusting. You will never know Oakley for him, I did. And you will never get it, and never will. So we will just leave it as that ok?” I don’t want to know “ok but we both agree, Taylan don’t come, Oakley doesn’t either” I didn’t reply I just walked off, what can I say. I guess it will have to be that, Taylan can choke. Just because he paid off the bills and the house doesn’t make him the man, they just think he is the man because of that and it makes me laugh, it’s not realistic at all but what can I say, my wife is deluded at times.

Me and Aziel still got beef, he really did me wrong by doing what he did with my makeup. He is wanting to get out of the high chair, and I refuse to let him “I am eating” he pointed at me “mommy eat!” He whined out “yes I’m eating” I scoffed “was it me or did you speak to someone in the middle of the night?” Oakley slept so long, like we fell asleep about ten when Aziel did and he slept through and it’s ten in the morning now “don’t get him out of that but yeah it was my mother, she called” Aziel is going to hate me today “give him Apple please, look dad get you that. Be good” he mean mugged me “alright, why she called? Is everything ok with your family” he asked “erm well she called me to speak on this marriage thing, I can’t believe our personal discussion is out there. I just told her it was just a talk, nothing big but then she called again you know, and it just annoyed me a little and she said I’m being stupid to bring up a conversation and it’s crack speaking, my mother called me a crackhead? Like say what, I never touched a thing unlike her, but it seems like she is holding a hate towards you again” looking behind me, Oakley sighed out “serious” he mumbled “yeah, just like stay away from her for a while. I told you about staying away from people, I feel their spirit and look at Taylan, then she spoke on how I should put my foot down with you, not everything is a joke. I should be mad that you did that Costco thing, and the Nessa interview was a mess” I stopped talking because it looks like I’m making him mad “I’m me, like I don’t change up like that Rylee. Just jarring really isn’t it, like your mom was nice now she isn’t to me. She said you can do better yeah” he looked at me “I see the comments, social media isn’t a good place, and I peeped all the comments about it, what you doing with me. All this stuff, and the video yesterday like they posted it, shade room. And they said things like idiot is going to lose her, he isn’t funny, broke ass. He doesn’t love her; he loves her name. So I see it, so I can imagine what your mother is saying, I wouldn’t want me for a son in law, I get it” watching him walk towards Aziel with cut up apples “does that upset you?” I asked but he didn’t say anything, he just remained silent but that alone spoke many words.

Oakley is not happy, and I hate that “talk to me please, did that upset you?” I want him to just say it “public and social media doesn’t upset and never will, they are not my life but just shit. Like I thought we got through this and now we back to your mom hating me and then it makes it awkward really, it’s just shit really isn’t it” licking my lips staring at him “did it upset you that I did that?” He asked me “no it didn’t upset me; nothing really upsets me with you. I am with you because I fell for you as you are and if you changed that then it’s not you, my mom is pushy and bossy, she is now hating you again, but I don’t hate you. She will get over it, you’re not even that. Like I see the girls wanting you always” he laughed, he looked up at me “so your mom called for that at night?” Nodding my head “fuck it Lee, like nothing else matters. I got you; I am just fed up. Just drama all the time, maybe I shouldn’t have come back to your apartment huh” he chuckled “no I wanted you to come back because I don’t trust those gang people or whatever, Kairo knowing you was in that hotel, he knew where you was and could easily do what you did to him, I wanted you here for your safety and to rest my mind” I corrected him “and because you love me?” He smiled “that too, it’s just a shame. Like with everything but honestly when it comes to us, nobody will change my mind on you. Only person will do that is you” I said “I apologise if I did upset you about the Costco thing, like yeah. But what did your mother say about the Nessa interview” I shook my head “not much” I mumbled “I love you Lee, I really do and half the things I done did I would never do it for just anyone” smiling at him, I wouldn’t tell him that my mother said that she thinks he could have cancer with how he looks, that’s the only thing that hurt me out of it all but whatever “why do you look sad?” He asked “I’m sad I lost out on a lot of makeup” he looked at Aziel “let’s go to get more what you saying? My treat” I cooed out “after we see the house?” He nodded his head silently smiling, he’s so cute and I love him for him, so I don’t care what mother has to say even if she says I am losing my mind.

Walking into the entrance, there is a couch in the middle of the reception “I want it” I said it without even thinking twice, looking at Oakley “Lee” he said to me “this is my dream Oakley, this is it. Like I know it, I know what I want, I want this. The other homes aren’t it; this is it. it’s perfect” James smiled, the agent looks like he already knows he got a catch “this property has had a lot of interest you know” looking at Oakley “see” Oakley is on the fence about it, this is the last property and the most expensive they found us “the second was good you know” I pulled a face “the neighbours were too close and no, this is nice. Come on” Oakley cleared his throat “how about I speak on the property, as you can see a beautiful grande entrance. It speaks volumes already. The substantial detached house has been finished to an exceptional standard throughout with good volumes and tasteful design throughout. You have benefits from a double garage, off-street parking for several cars, a large private garden, leisure facilities and an internal lift” he pointed, I am sold but he isn’t “the ground floor alone is reception hall, kitchen/breakfast room, dining room, drawing room, family room, study, guest cloakroom, garage, utility room and boot room. That is just the ground floor alone, then we have the first floor. Galleried landing, principle bedroom suite with two dressing rooms one for the lady and for you” I grinned, that is perfect for me “four further bedroom suites, two balconies and a separate self-contained suite with bedroom, shower room, living room and kitchenette” looking at Oakley “damn, that is a lot though” he said “not finished just yet, we have the lower ground floor. Swimming pool, gym, changing room, shower room, entertainment/ games room, cinema, study, wine cellar, and three plant rooms, if you like that” Oakley laughed “my weed man will like that” rolling my eyes “state of the art security, electric gates that are assigned to you, keys in pocket, gate will sensor and open. If the person has no key, no open gate no entry” I am smiling so hard right now, this is perfect.

I am so happy with this home; how can I not be happy. This is a home that I can live in forever “Oakley, don’t you see this being our forever home? Like this is it? Think about it” he looks stressed and I’m happy “fourteen million Lee” he looked at me “four million difference from the budget we going to use, Oakley. Listen to me” I said to him “come to me” holding my hand out to him “forever home, what if you change your mind” he said to me, holding his hands in mine “why would I? I mean ok you’re a little slow, you sometimes piss me off with silly things, but nobody is perfect and honestly. I don’t think we can be anyone else’s, like I am loud and annoying and you’re quiet and awkward but we both bring out the best of each other, you’re a working progress. I push you a lot I get it, I think your mother hated that I’m taking her son from her, but you was never hers, she didn’t care. But like listen to me, let me add on the extra four and it will be ok” he shook his head “no hear me out, you can’t close me off and not listen. Let me put that in, and you for the foreseeable time, you pay for all the household bills, we can do it that way. I have the money to do this, I can do it. Yeah, you give the five and I will do the rest, Oakley I have plans, things will be ok for us. We have a home and it’s something that I’m happy with, we will be happy and safe. And then when we are ready we can fill the house with one more child” if I have to talk him to death then I will “I love you, and I believe in us. I have a plan, and you have your album coming out. You will be making money, so will I. Trust me on this, I believe in us, and I need you too” he nodded his head “I do, you know I do” he said “then let’s buy this home, our home. Let people hate us, they not us with a five bedroom house in north” he smiled “you deserve a home too Oakley not just your mother” he clenched his jaw and hugged me, resting his head on my shoulder “I ain’t never had peace in a home” he mumbled “I know Oakley, and you bought that home. This is our home now lovey, nobody going to kick you out unless you cheat” he laughed “nah, never. You give me enough sex” he lifted his head up “I do?” He grinned “that shy sex, that can we do this sex” I scoffed “and you never judge me” he shook his head “why would I, but yeah. I guess you got your heart in it. And if you are happy, that makes me happy. I guess we getting this” I clapped my hands giggling, grabbing his face “I love you so much” kissing his lips “now it’s love you so much, huh. I see how it is” this is going to be the best thing and I’m so excited.

Twirling his hair between my fingers as he ate “you think Wadz is ok with Aziel?” Just came to mind “erm, he will be fine, he would have called if not” Oakley is trying to eat and I am here harassing him, I only had chicken strips and ate them so quickly “be real with me, has your mom and dad not even tried to contact you?” I find that bizarre they haven’t like his brother “erm” he looked at me “no not really, they can live without me, I live without them. It’s been that way, I think the way they started to care was because of Aziel, I do believe they did care for him a lot” pulling a face “how would you feel if I asked for you to kick them out?” leaving his hair alone “leave them to it, I rather not do that. I heard that my nan lives there now, she is unwell or something. But that was from my cousin, she is the only person to speak to me” letting out an oh “do you trust her?” he nodded his head “she is the mixed race girl you met, you know the one you met. She and I always kept in contact. She is the one that made Aziel cake that time” least it’s something “well it would be nice to see her again, why not? When we move though, be nice. Does she not think your mom is racist?” passing him a napkin, he is such a mess “she does, I just never get why I got the hate, if my dad is a dickhead then how is it me, like the whole calling police on me, just shit. Like it’s not my fault my dad didn’t believe in marriage, just whatever I guess” he shrugged “and you do?” I laughed “I don’t, I think it’s a delusion” pushing his head lightly “I swear” he laughed “I think erm, like Wadz said if it’s the right one then yeah but that wasn’t my fault, I think she probably hate me for being born but like loved Juke, dumb. Like the dumb names she chose for us” I cooed “but I love Oakley, I have grown used to it. I remember first hearing it and you was like Oakley and then Neil and then these damn letters and then your surname to top it off. You know my mom engraved Fenty into us, you have to have Fenty too” he frowned at me “no, that is weird. For a person that don’t like me, nope. She can keep Fenty, and I will keep mine” I would never push that on him, ever “be glad Aziel got that in it, anyways ready for shopping? Bossman chicken be bussing every time” him and his chicken shop friend.

Looking at Oakley smiling “what’s funny?” he asked me, he has patience because I have been annoying this concierge for an hour with things and makeup too “can I get a bag too?” I asked and he shrugged “whatever, just hurry up because this is long” I grinned “let me tell her to get me the most expensive bag” he rolled his eyes “do you remember this place?” I smiled “mhmmm I do, and you stressed me out that day too. Christmas present, of course I remember” that makes me so happy he does “ok you got me, I was ready to cuss you” he winked at me “nope, I remember. I was thinking yeah, Fenty Beauty out, you don’t have any left” I shushed him “stop it” he turned his phone to me “what is that, squinting my eyes “you didn’t, look at my stupid face” I laughed looking away from him “sorry, I wanted to also look at bags once you done that” I asked the concierge “of course” she smiled “idiot, the caption too” I giggled “was that shade to my mom?” I questioned “I am just saying, like you can’t just jump on the Nessa interview, they don’t know me” he needs to not “right, that is fine but please. Don’t do no shady posts, please. Remember my dad gets on with you, that is minor because every one is saying how you was but I know that upset you about my mom” I need him to not do it though, like my mom deserves it because she has said pretty hurtful things I didn’t want to hear, and I am not speaking to her now, once again, I told her to not phone me again “thank you though, for this. You didn’t have to pay for it” he really didn’t “makes you happy init” I am happy, a new house and new makeup, I can’t even be upset.

[pattonflowerinnit666]

I posted 58,729 times in 2022

That's 2,104 more posts than 2021!

71 posts created (0%)

58,658 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@griancraft

@yb-cringe

@theminecraftbee

@vexingfox234isadumbname

@ghostly-tart

I tagged 565 of my posts in 2022

#grian - 185 posts

#hermitcraft - 175 posts

#dream smp - 116 posts

#jimmy solidarity - 96 posts

#martyn inthelittlewood - 95 posts

#mumbo jumbo - 93 posts

#thank you for the music - 92 posts

#thank you for all the support - 88 posts

#mamma mia (here we go again) - 88 posts

#dreamsmp - 56 posts

Longest Tag: 113 characters

#op i can't explain how every atom in my body turned spikey like pufferfish and started rotating counter clockwise

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Whenever i see other hermits in the back of a hermits video, i always react like when i see a squirrel outside. i go 'squirrel!!!' Like I'm shocked that there are squirrels outside, even though that's where theyre supposed to be. I saw Cleo in Grian's video and went 'Cleo!!!!' as if I was shocked to see a hermit on hermitcraft. 'Hermit!!!!' Like yeah bitch thats where theyre supposed to be!!!! It's not like seeing a fucking peacock at costco!!!!!

150 notes - Posted March 2, 2022

#4

Jimmy should be used to this.

It had been centuries since that stupid nursery rhyme was invented- no doubt by some old loon he accidentally spooked. He's heard it too many times to count but he still hated it.

He held the other end of the jump rope, as the three little girls he had offered to watch got into position. "Ready ladies?"

"Ready mr jimmy!" The one in the middle with a gap tooth beamed, holding her friends hand. Her older sister held the opposite end and with a whistle jimmy and her moved the rope.

The two little girls jumped, as they jump they sang.

"Canary canary ,quite contrary, look at your feathers fall!"

Jummy sucked in a breath and gave a strained smile.

"Canary canary, how ordinary, will come for us all!"

"Layla you're singing it wrong!" The oldest girl huffed, swinging her arm with the rope. "It's canary canary ,so ordinary, run when you hear its call!"

"No that's the next verse!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh!"

"Girls, girls why don't we try a different rhyme?" Jimmy tried to laugh it off. "One not so bleak?"

"My dad taught me one about a salmon in a brothel!"

"Never mind canary it is then, geez."

160 notes - Posted February 6, 2022

#3

Tango: we should watch sharkboy and lavagirl

Jimmy: and makeout during the scary parts

Tango:

Jimmy:

Tango: the scary parts. Of. sharkboy and lavagirl

Jimmy: yes

Tango:

Jimmy: tango why are you taking off your clothes

507 notes - Posted June 19, 2022

#2

Why do Double Life Jimmy and Tango feel like the tiny gay people in Night at the Museum

773 notes - Posted June 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

So glad Double Life is a soulmate au! Can't wait for season 4 when Grian suggests they play on a map with a coffee shop!

2,730 notes - Posted June 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[a-dose-of-oranges]

Post 04 - Green Carnations

03/19/2024 9:55 pm

Last week, I was thinking about how around this time last year I felt I reached a milestone in my own healing. In Spring of 2023, I read the last installment of The Last Hours series by Cassandra Clare. This probably sounds nonsensical, but let me explain:

I jokingly tied my self-development to whether or not Matthew Fairchild gets his own healing arc. My closest friends would periodically hear me say "If Matthew Fairchild dies, I will bring back the bitch from July 2022." I claimed that the version of me that seemingly struggled the most was standing at the threshold of my body. If Matthew gets to live, I would let her go. If Matthew was killed off, she gets to come back in and I would, metaphorically, rain hellfire.

I do not think I would have actually reverted back to a very unstable place if he was killed off. However, despite my silly little claims, it did mean a lot to me when Matthew Fairchild did not die. It meant even more to me that he was also able to overcome his own hardships and pursue his dreams by the end of Chain of Thorns. My words did hold power because as I figured out where his character arc was going I saw it as a sign to myself that I was also moving in the right direction.

Fast forward to now. Something in the past couple of weeks has had me feeling uncomfortable. Part of it is the realization that change is coming again as I submitted transfer applications for college. I also considered that I have unresolved feelings from the many things that happened last fall. And maybe it's unresolved feelings from a lot of things I repressed in general. Regardless, I found myself bedridden for a majority of my spring break last week. I never craved for Matthew Fairchild content more.

As Monday approached, the thought of going to class made me feel sick. I wanted to be a hermit. I did not want to be perceived. I certainly did not feel like doing work. But alas, time moves on and so should I. To dip my toes in being in public again, I went grocery shopping with my mom and my brother on Sunday.

I desperately wanted to go home. as much as I do love Costco. Even the thought of the steal that is a $1.50 hotdog/soda combo could not pick me up. Therefore, it was hopeless. Until a bouquet of green and white flowers caught my eye.

If I'm being honest, I gave up on the idea of ever finding green carnations anywhere. They do not appear naturally, after all. Green carnations were only worn by Oscar Wilde's followers after they artificially dyed pink or white carnations. I figured my best bet would be to follow their actions, and yet they were sitting right in front of me at Costco.

I had abandoned the idea of a Matthew Fairchild story saving me this spring. Somehow, I was wrong about that, too. I have mentioned what the green carnation means to me. The ties between Oscar Wilde and Matthew Fairchild, my appreciation for both the real and the fictional. I spoke about how love is green--how I arrogantly placed my own meaning into the flower (I still do). Finding those flowers felt like a reminder that in spite of my frequent bedrotting and crying, I will still get up as long as I allow myself to. I would not have found them had I chosen to stay indoors when I could have. And while I would have picked myself up eventually to get back to school and work and life, I imagine the process to be rougher without the little sign at Costco.

Love,

Hae-Lim

(We're gonna ignore the fact that it's been two years. I have so much to talk about, and maybe I will be too overwhelmed to be able to articulate everything, but I think I want to try.)

[not-really-a-writer]

Dating app advice (from my own personal experiences)

idk if it helps anyone, but if I am able to help some*ONE* out there, I think this post is worth it

Look for profiles WITH A BIO. They must write *something*. Make sure it's original and not copied ("looking for the Pam to my Jim") or snarky ("just tryna split a Costco membership"). Once you've sifted through a lot of profiles, you start to read the same things over and over. Guys who take the time to literally write something, anything, original are already demonstrating effort above the pack. Don't be dismissive of something simple. Even if it's 2 sentences but it's original, go for it ;)

Not every shirtless pic guy is an asshole. And not every 'sexy' girl is a bitch. Just don't make your looks your whole personality. Sure, if you're attractive (we are all attractive😊), show it off and expect others to show it off too. But don't make your entire profile overly revealing or else you will come across as if that is your one and only selling point. Use your pics to tell your personality as well. Take pics in front of your Funko Pop collection, movie posters, etc. or while doing your favorite activities (hiking, skiing, beach, cooking). And look for profiles who feature the same kind of mix. This is someone who put thought into displaying their personality and is probably more intentional about actually getting to know someone online instead of a one and done hookup.

Be forthcoming. Don't catfish or edit your photos. Be brave enough to post at least 1 photo of your real face/body sans makeup. Trust me, genuine guys do appreciate this kind of thing and it serves as a 'filter' of sorts to weed out all the superficial guys out there who only want a girl when she's all dolled up. When I was online dating, I wore ZERO makeup in half of my photos, and I made it a point to show my stretch marks on my belly in a crop top and I still got dates, so you can do it too.

Don't be judgmental. Don't like skinny guys? Give it a try at least once. People often appear Very differently irl than they do even in UNedited photos... so give it a chance. Also, if you're not into blondes, give it a try! Never dated outside your race? Try it! Don't be scared. Be open minded and push your boundaries with these kinds of harmless things. Don't like short guys? Let's be honest, if you're 5 feet tall, you don't "require" a 6' or taller guy... you just need to examine what in your own personality makes you need to feel small or with a big man and try to grow beyond that.

Have some confidence. This is a hard one, most esp for me. But it helps to find something about yourself and talk it up to yourself. If you have nice big boobs, then tell yourself every day that your rack looks smashin and take note that not everyone has nice big boobs. If you have nice small boobs, same thing! Not everyone has nice small boobs, etc. You don't even have to compare yourself to others, it's more about being thankful for something that you have that others don't have. It's learning to be thankful for being uniquely who you are because nobody has the exact combination of traits that you do.

Make the first move. As a heterosexual woman, it's outside the norm for us to make the first move but guys love it bc it's refreshing to them. You will start many conversations that go nowhere but this is normal. Chances are, just making the first move already gives you an advantage over those who just sit back and wait for the others to message first. Genuine guys will notice and appreciate this.

Don't waste your time. You will find there are many online who are just there for the likes, small talk, and conversation and have ZERO intentions of meeting. After breaking the ice and some initial conversations, ask direct questions to determine what someone's intentions are. Most people, if serious, are willing to meet in person within 1-2 weeks of talking. You'll have to find that sweet spot and timeline for yourself, but anything too soon is a red flag IMO, and certainly anything beyond 2 weeks is a time waster. In my opinion, I like talking for at least 3 days before meeting up. If we're texting regularly and talking for about a week or so and they still don't want to meet up....? Seems suspicious to me (scheduling conflicts aside). In certain circumstances I think meeting up in person off the bat can be nice but if they can't hold a conversation over phone or text for a few days then what makes you think you can talk in person? lol, you don't need to sit through any more awkward coffee dates than you have to. Get all the small talk out of the way first, then your first 'date,' should you decide to meet in person, may go better.

That's all I can think of now. Wear condoms, even for oral sex. Get STD/STI tested before you stop using them. Happy dating and best of luck to you all.

[digital-angelz]

Word vomit abt sheltermbornes role swap au because I cannot get it out of my head

So just as a concept Meryl the Punisher makes me giggle and kick my feet so have this word vomit abt her.

She’s definitely still the headstrong rule following lady we all know and love, she’s just got a massive cross gun that’s almost taller than her now /j. She’s definitely got All the religious trauma and oh my god she is severely fucked up but in an awesomely kick ass and cry in the arms of your definitely not lover way. 

She and Nicholas still argue over everything dw. I couldn’t remove that dynamic if I tried (I love it too much)

She thinks Vash is a bit of an idiot (like Milly) but as she gets to know him they actually become really close and totally gossip about everyone together.

With Milly…. Good lord. There is so much here.

*slaps them* these ladies can fit so much trauma and feeling into them.

One, Meryl just thinks milly is really hot (me 2 tbh) and is like “okay so maybe the lady I was contracted to follow isn’t so bad after all” and just *shakes my hands and vibrates* THEM.

Milly is kind of weirded out at first by Meryl’s um everything but like not in a rude way, she just doesn’t know why this woman keeps following her. But she’s pretty so she’s not complaining.

Oh my god the accidental deification from Meryl is gonna be so funny like “My wife is practically god I’m a religious woman holy fuck” 

Milly doesn’t get it. But that’s okay.

Meryl and Tesla are WLW hostility. I don’t really know how else to describe it except for that meme that’s like “stop dating my sister” “yknow what I’m gonna date her even harder” yeah. They probably fought in a Wendy’s parking lot. 

Meryl fights everyone in a Wendy’s honestly. Or she would, if she wasnt being dragged around by these idiots (affectionate).

*insert image of Meryl and Wolfwood duking it out for unexplained reason while milly and Vash are buying ice cream from the Wendy’s*

I have no brain they’ve taken over it lol

MILLYMERYL IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME I WANT THEM TO BE FUCKED UP AND LEARN FROM EACH OTHER AND BOND AND CRY AND BE MESSY AND JUST LOVE AAAAAAAAAAA

…anyway back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Milly totally just picks up Meryl and holds her over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Meryl is tiny, pocket sized nun with a big gun. 

Milly could pick everyone up honestly she is built like a shit brickhouse. (Buff milly truther) 

Vashwood is a thing it’s just background because I love them but it is about the LADIES.

Knives is at space Costco and pissed about it he shows up like once and idk where to go with that.

Maybe he and Meryl fight in the parking lot idk

Why am I making Meryl fight everyone in a parking lot I swear she is not this chaotic

Wolfwood would fight someone in a parking lot in canon and in this canon tho

Tesla goes to space Costco because Zaizie said it would be good for her to “touch grass” and she just stands there awkwardly and leaves after like 10 minutes with stuff she didn’t even come for. Idk I want Tesla to be this bad bitch but then she’s also like “how do I normal life please help”

Milly and Vash bonded over being the biggest sweet tooths known to mankind. I love their friendship sm it’s one of my favorites. 

Tesla does have 2000’s music taste and by that I mean she got introduced to it by Rem and that was the biggest mistake Rem made. (Based off that one ask that I love to bits)

Team fuck around and find out is back in business and we love to see it.

Wolfwood totally is on the edge of getting fired and Milly probably is the only thing making sure he keeps his job. 

Anyway Milly is still the silliest. 

“The horrors are inevitable but we stay silly! ✌️😃” -Milly and Vash (probably)

I love chaotic dumbass energy.

Pushing the chess master milly agenda because it would be awesome.

Wait shit what if Tesla taught her how to play and she always lost to her big sister and swore to one day beat her and right when she thought she had it all down the ship crash happened and oh shit the angst whoops

Rem gets mom of the year award again because I love Rem that’s it that’s the meme.

I really don’t have any other thoughts but they’re just so good omfg amazing food here my guy.

[sisitrip]

This got away from me, but it was fun! Love this idea, Calli! (@callivich)

Ian: Log off! Everybody log off now!

Fiona: What? Why?! Are we hacked?!

Lip: Who would want to hack a family chat? Especially this one? 🤨

Ian: He’s coming

Carl: Speak for yourself. My chats are stupindass

Lip: Yo, Officer Dumbass. It’s stupendous 

Debbie: Who’s coming, Ian?

Carl: Fuck you, Lip. Me and my blicky don’t gotta spell shit 🔫

Lip: Whatever you say, White Boy Carl.

Ian: Mickey’s coming! He’s pissed! I told you to stop teasing him about knowing what I got him for Xmas. Now he’s mad he’s the only one who doesn’t know! 

Fiona: Aww, he can’t be that mad.

Ian: Why don’t any of you ever listen? LOG OFF THE CHAT!

Carl: Fuck it. I’ll tell him. Just let me know if you want me to swing by and tell him in person. I could pick up stuff while I’m there.

Lip: Carl you’re lucky Chicago PD don’t drug test regularly. 

Ian: PLEASE

Debbie: He’s too concussed to test. 🫨

Mickey: Listen up bitches. 

Ian: Baby, don’t.

Mickey: Don't baby me, you traitor.

Lip: You coming to ruin Xmas, Hans Gruber?

Fiona: That’s not a Xmas movie, Lip.

Carl: R U kidding me, Fi? Not only was it a Xmas movie, it was a cop Xmas movie!

Mickey: Wanna fuck wit me? Let’s go down the list. Mama-bitch got the cheapest box wine we could find in Costco. 

Debbie: Damn, Mama-bitch? Is that supposed to be me because I’m the calmest mother I know.

Lip: That’s definitely Fiona. 

Fiona: Fuck you, motorcyle-bitch.

Mickey: Bike-bitch got a $10 toolkit from the bin at Home Depot.

Fiona: Bike-bitch! Yaaasssss.

Ian: Mickey, please. I’ll have to start all over!

Mickey: That’s what you get for starting early, BABY. Carl, you got a dime bag that’s mostly oregano. 

Debbie: 😂 

Lip: At least Carl will smell good for a change. And, Ian? Really? 🖕

Ian: Husband. 8-ball.

*Mickey has left the conversation.*

Debbie: What the fuck?

Carl: Was that some voodoo shit?

Lip: Ian broke out the big guns 🤣

Fiona: Shut up, Lip. But 😏. It’s on sight tonight in the Gallagher-Milkovich household.

Debbie: Eww, I’d rather hear about my shitty gift. 😶‍🌫️

Carl: What’s on sight?? Ian! Can I swing by? I don’t care if it’s oregano.

Lip: Fi, tonight it’s the Milkovich-Gallagher household. 😎

Ian: Fuck you assholes. See what I get you now. 💩

*Ian has left the conversation.*

Lip: You know Ian’s gonna torture us with details later? 

Fiona: Wouldn’t be the first time. 🫣

Debbie: Let’s block them for a couple of days until they calm down. 

Fiona: Done

Lip: Done

Debbie: Done

Carl: Don’t know about y’all, but it’s cool with me. I get some of my best moves from that shit. 

Lip: Block Carl too, everybody.

Carl: Fuck you, Lip. You a fucking op. Facts no printer. 

Carl: I bring joy and sunshine to my sisters, bike-bitch.

Carl: Hello?

Carl: Man, fuck y’all

Ian and Mickey have been temporarily blocked from the family group chat 😱 Reblog and tell me why? 👀

[thesunshineriptide]

Our world au - twst boys get jobs in our world

They’ve been stranded for a month now, and expenses are getting a bit tight. Off to work you go, you funky little wizards!

Characters: riddle, Trey, Leona, Ruggie, Azul, Jade, Floyd.

Riddle:

* Riddle’s saga of finding a job begins when he realizes he needs money

* He’s an only child raised by rich parents

* They focused entirely on his academic studies

* And in a world without magic?

* He literally has no fucking clue

* He has no records of his existence

* So what’s a boy to do?

* Tutoring

* Riddle’s ability to study is unparalleled

* And math stays virtually the same in both twisted wonderland and this new world he’s in

* So he signs up to be an in-person tutor first at the nearest library

* Once he gets enough money, he buys a phone or laptop so he can do online tutoring instead

* It’s more efficient and easier for him

* Especially when Trey is sitting five feet behind riddle’s laptop, staring at him as he works

* It keeps his temper in check

* He’s almost instantly in high demand for his skills, and he learns other subjects too rather quickly

* Genuinely begins to enjoy this work and considers becoming a teacher when he gets back home

Trey:

* This should be no surprise, let’s be real

* He’s going to the local bakery and asking to work

* Baked goods are consistent, but he knows a few tricks to improve everything

* Oh, the chocolate chip cookies aren’t selling well? Add some vanilla paste to the dough and then give out a few free samples

* He brings over his strawberry tart recipe and instantly the bakery is selling out of them

* He’s not rolling in dough or anything, but he’s making a solid wage at this point

* When he’s not at the bakery, he’s studying more about this world (and it’s recipes) with Riddle

* Also, the bakery lets him take home anything that hasn’t sold at the end of the night

* And he has 15 magicless magicians at home so he’s takin that shit

* He eats whatever he specifically wants on his walk/ride home and then puts the rest in the common area

* He puts aside the good good pastries for you, your family, and riddle though

Leona:

* Leona’s best skills are being a little bitch and sleeping

* Ruggie has literally done just about everything for him

* On the plus side, though,

* It seems like animals really like him

* Not in the same way as Silver, mind you

* But more of a ‘ah, you. You’re familiar’ way

* So where does he work?

* The animal shelter!

* He’s not prepared for the grueling work ahead of him, but despite his tough exterior, he finds himself caring deeply for the animals he helps

* Specially the cats

* He’s almost always stationed in the cats area, and specifically asked to help tame some of the strays

* They warm up to him surprisingly fast

* He’s spending time bottle feeding kittens and cleaning litter boxes and doing lime dips on the stray cats and he says he hates it but every time someone asks him if he wants to quit he just grumbles and looks away

* He swears the first time he cried was when he helped adopt out a cat with three legs to an elderly woman

* Everyone’s noticed he’s changed a little, but nobody (except Floyd) is bold enough to comment on it

Ruggie:

* Ruggie has literally so many skills, he could work any job

* Slight hiccup though: he’s working really hard at not doing that

* He wants to stay in your house and work from there

* It takes him maybe two hours to do all the chores around the house.

* That means the rest of the time is his to do whatever

* Which is mostly just eating popcorn and watching soap operas (sometimes with lilia)

* He can go to work and all but really

* Does it get better than ‘doing the shit you normally do”

* Yes, actually, you could get paid

* He realizes this after he goes to the grocery store

* So he ends up working at Costco

* Why?

* Because Costco’s benefits are fuckin killer and they pay everyone pretty well

* Not to mention, look at the amount of shit you can buy in bulk!!

* He brought home a lot of food from that

* He got that good good employee discount

* He’ll make you pay him back if you eat any of it though

Azul:

* He…he’s not in his element, okay?

* He has no contracts, no contacts, and no money

* Also, no records

* Which means no starting his own business (for now, give him like two months)

* Unfortunately, he can’t exactly sit around

* And he really really would like some financial freedom

* He hates being dependent on you and your family

* He is immediately bullshitting a resume and applying indescribably to everyone and everywhere

* He gets a few responses!

* The local bookstore, the local antique shop, a few chains, a couple big box stores, and a clothing store

* He interviews them all diligently

* He ends up at the bookstore

* He doesn’t do too well in bustling places, especially not with the added stress of ✨a whole new world✨

* And books? You don’t have to read them all, you just have to sell them

* He can sell it

* His numbers are actually some of the best the store has seen in a while

* He’s promoted to manager in like a month

* He also gets a pay raise

* He’s trying to pay back you and your family whether you want it or not

* He also enjoys the fact he can just grab a book and start reading any time he wants at work since it’s so quiet

Jade:

* He also has roughly 5 million different talents, and yet…

* And yet Jade is actually completely ready to work

* So long as the benefits and pay is worth it, though

* He’s not going to put in his excellence for just anyone

* It takes him a while to find the right match, but he’s quite happy with it

* And guess what?

* It’s the cafe in Azul’s bookstore *cough*barnes and noble*cough*

* This shouldn’t be a surprise at all, honestly

* With his calm and disarming demeanor, charming words, and peak professionalism, he’s a perfect worker for anyone

* But what sold him is the fact that it’s got enough to do, there’s free drinks, and it’s somewhere quiet

* And the fact that Azul’s nearby? That’s just a coincidence no it’s not

* He makes good pay, and gets excellent tips, so he’s happy enough for now

Floyd:

* Floyd doesn’t work

* Floyd is not particularly employable to most companies

* Floyd is employable to crime syndicates and Azul and that’s about it

* Well, unless we start talking about gym bros

* I think he would probably do really well as a personal trainer

* He’s not as diligent about training/keeping fit as other NRC members are, but he’s passionate and genuinely enjoys his work

* He also does it part time and through a service that lets him pick his hours

* Which means he can take days off when he’s in a bad mood without getting (severely) penalized

* He mostly trains people at the nearby gym

* He is so excited to see people flipping tires

* He immediately throws a tire halfway across the room and everyone stares a little as he grins proudly

* He’s a surprisingly good teacher, all things considered, but he still threatens to squeeze people

* Luckily the people are generally okay with this